r/AITARelationship

Hi Reddit, I've never posted anything like this before but I've been going crazy trying to determine if I'm in the wrong here or not. All opinions are welcome, but I ask that you be blunt, not cruel; there is a difference.

Ok so anyways, my (F 20) boyfriend (M 21) and I are long distance in college right now. He had been best friends with this girl, we'll call her Alice, for almost 3 years. They started off 8th grade being inseparable (our high school was 8th - 12th) and were best friends up until junior year, when I genuinely had enough and asked him to create some distance between the two of them. Some back story for why I asked him to do this: Alice had a very obvious crush on him and was very touchy, flirty, just strange around him in a way you would be if you had a crush ie: touching his arm every time she laughed, constantly asking where he was in a room, trying to be by him/stand next to him/sit next to him whenever possible, she didn't respect me and his relationship at all as she would ask him to hang out alone, sit next to him without saving me a seat or filling up a seat that was meant for me, inviting only him to her birthday party when I was literally friends with her and we worked together for like 2 years, they had a strange fling in the past and I heard so many rumors about them and things that they did but recently he told me the extent of everything and granted they didn't do much but it was enough to make me upset with the fact they were still friends, when me and him first started dating people genuinely didn't believe me or were shocked when I told them because they thought that he and Alice had been dating for like 2 years.

Some more context you'll need: there was this other girl he had started to be friends with a few months before we started dating; I'll call her Maddie. I wasn't her biggest fan due to things she had said/done and I just didn't really like Maddie as a person, but whatever. I noticed, though that she had a very flirty personality and would often talk about different guys and things she'd do with them etc, right to my boyfriend. It was just really weird vibes and I started to be wary of her, not to mention she was best friends with the girl mentioned above, even after Maddie had heard about all of the things she'd done and how she constantly disrespected my relationship. There was a time when Maddie and my boyfriend hung out alone when we were dating and I later had to explain to him how weird that was and how I felt really disrespected since I had told him how I was kind of uncomfortable with her. There was another time he lwk lied to me about hanging out with her and I only learned she was at his job through Snap Maps, and when I confronted him, he said he'd rather not tell me she was there than have to deal with my reaction. I heard that she had had a crush on him before we started dating and I confronted him about this, crying and almost begging him to create some space between them both since before this I had expressed to him I was uncomfortable with their friendship so many times and he never did anything to address it. When we were having a conversation about long distance, somehow she got brought up and he told me that she had confessed to him before he and I started dating, a fact he had literally never told me any of the times I was crying to him about how uncomfortable I was with her and how crazy I felt because I was only hearing rumors.

Let me just say, by no means am I trying to force him to not have any female friends. I do have my own share of trust issues from things that have happened to me in the past, but we openly communicate and I tell him to tell me if he thinks I'm being too irrational about some things. That goes to say he also has his fair share of trust issues, and we work around the both of ours together and communicate with one another. However, I just am not the biggest fan of my boyfriend being besties with girls he's done things with or girls who have had crushes on him, that just seems weird to me.

On to the main topic of this post. Recently, he came to me expressing the need for a conversation. When I asked what about he said that he feels guilty about the way he cut off both of the girls above and wants to start being friends/friendly with them again- mainly Alice. This caught me so off guard as I thought we were doing so well as a couple and I never expected to hear about her, much less for him to tell me he had been thinking about her for the past few weeks. I was kind of extremely upset in the moment and maybe didn't handle the argument in the best way possible but I asked him if he missed her and he admitted he did. I asked him what he wanted out of this conversation, and he didn't even know what to tell me, basically he just wants to say hi to her on the street and have conversations with her. Call me crazy but because of everything I went through and the number of times I had to beg him to create space with her, even the thought of him wanting to have conversations with her again makes me so upset. He says that he hates how he cut them off also and feels like he was forced to, but let me be clear I never asked him to do that much; I only asked him to create space. Obviously, selfishly I am happy about the outcome that happened, but I don't like that he's trying to blame me for his actions of just ignoring them suddenly basically. He was so free to have a conversation with them about things or why he needed some space, but that's not the route he chose.

So, am I the asshole for getting really upset with my boyfriend for this conversation he brought up and for still not wanting him to talk to these girls really? Am I being controlling? Or am I justified for not wanting him to have relationships with girls he's been emotionally or physically intimate with?

So, I posted asking advice on other subreddits just two days ago, but I think I may have already blown it with my friends. Didn't imagine that shit would go sideways this quickly.

I, (18F), have been dating my boyfriend (22M), for about 3 months now. For some background, I have known him since I was about 4 years old because his mom used to be my babysitter. We've always been very close, and our relationship didn't fall apart since he went to college in my town, same college that I am going to now, so we were always able to keep in touch. He's always been more like an older brother to me, but about a couple years ago (when I was 15/16) I started being attracted to him. But I always kept him as a friend since he was dating someone at the time. Personally I've always trusted him, many times I've trusted him a lot more than friends my age, and he's never made me unsafe. A lot of times in high school he was the person I would go to when I needed someone to confide to about my problems.

My parents are also very open about relationships/sex in our house, so I've had a lot of conversations with them about dating and grooming, so I was always well aware of those things. My mom has always suspected that I had a crush on him and she's talked to me about it before and said that there is nothing wrong with it since my parents know him really well and they know that he is a good guy, and my mom said she trusts me to leave the relationship if he starts hurting me because they've taught me about that stuff. But like I said before, he was dating someone and so I didn't really do anything about it. In high school I was also a big overachiever, so I tried to not focus on dating and focus on my school stuff.

But things changed this summer when he broke up with his girlfriend of three years because she was cheating on him. I helped him through it because he was pretty torn up about. One night when we were hanging out, he finally admitted to me that he was in love with me and has been for years, but he's always hesitated to tell me because his friends told him that he was gross for wanting to date someone as young as me. At that point I came clean about my feelings for him too, and we've been dating ever since.

Now this is the part that has me question everything. When I started college, I got some new friends from different schools (since all my friends went out of state). When I told them about my boyfriend and how long we've known each other, they all insisted that my boyfriend is a predator and that I was being groomed and have been groomed for years. And I mean, multiple people insisted this. My parents know that we are dating and they are cool with it and like him, and they have told me multiple times that they are supportive of our relationship. I also have never felt unsafe, he has never made me do anything I don't want to do, and we have good conversations about our boundaries.(Before anyone asks, I've never mentioned this crush in high school, so I've never gotten an outside perspective till college.) However, they have been pretty subtle about it, so I kind of brushed it off.

So, this is the part where I may be the asshole. Yesterday I was holding a study group with my friends, and somehow relationships came up. One of my friends started really digging into why I would date a guy four years older than me and called it disgusting and that I should know by now that I am a victim. She then proceeded to call my bf a "pedo Roman Polanski wannabe." I felt that this really out of line, and I responded by saying "Don't worry about my love life, worry about the fact that your attitude is acting as a natural contraceptive, no plan B necessary. I guess your finger will just have to do." (just to be clear she is single). She then stormed out on me, and my other friends told me that I shouldn't have gone that far. I haven't texted her or apologized, and I haven't reached out to any of my other friends. So people of reddit, AITA? I feel like what I said wasn't THAT insulting, but if I am the asshole, that's probably why.

(Answers to some questions that may come up: I was 18 when he confessed his feelings to me. His gf of 3 years that he broke up with was 21, he was already 22 when he broke up with her. My friends haven't met him yet; honestly don't trust them enough to not say something in front of him. Bf still lives in town, so we are not long distance.)

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​I (33F) have completely hit my breaking point with my partner (37M), and I need an honest outside perspective because the level of gaslighting and deflection is completely unreal.

​To be clear about the "snooping" narrative he loves to push: the very first time I ever found anything shady on his phone, I wasn't even snooping. He explicitly asked me to go into his phone to find a specific wiring diagram photo for him. That was how I stumbled across the initial red flags in the first place, which completely broke my trust.

​Fast forward to now. He recently went completely missing for 3 straight days. He did not come home, turned his communication off, and ignored me the entire time. When he finally resurfaced, my gut was screaming at me that something was wrong, so I checked his phone.

​I found a massive paragraph he had sent to some random woman. In the message, he was pouring it on thick, telling her she had made his life better than it has been in a long time, calling her a gem, telling her she is gorgeous, saying she is a great hugger, and saying he hopes to hear from her soon. She never even replied to him.

​I took her number and messaged her directly from my own phone to ask what happened. She told me that while he was gone ignoring his own home and family, she had bought him food, sat with him, and chatted with him. Then she explicitly told me that he tried to make a move on her, but she rejected him. (I will post screenshots of the texts in the comments).

​When I confronted him with all of this, he showed zero remorse, didn't address vanishing for three days, and didn't address attempting to cheat. Instead, he exploded on me, flipped the script entirely, and claimed that me violating his privacy by looking through his phone is far worse than anything he did.

​This is not a one-off situation. This is part of a sick, ongoing pattern of betrayal and gaslighting that he constantly tries to justify by blaming me:

​He has a history of constantly using Locanto to look up women in whatever area he happened to be in.

​In the past, when I caught him, I found videos on his phone of him masturbating while saying my sister-in-law’s name. When confronted with that grotesque violation, his excuse was that he made those videos "to teach me a lesson for snooping."

​He has a continuous habit of constant lying, vanishing, emotional neglect, chaotic personal drama, and complete deflection whenever he gets caught doing something shady.

​Every single time he betrays my trust, he weaponizes the concept of "privacy" and turns my reaction into the crime so he never has to take accountability for his own disgusting actions. He genuinely believes that checking his phone to confirm what he is hiding makes me the villain here.

​AITA for checking his phone, or is he completely out of line using my snooping to deflect from serial cheating and twisted behavior?

​TL;DR: The first time I ever found anything on his phone, he asked me to look for a wiring diagram. Now he disappeared for 3 days, ignored me, and sent a huge message hitting on a woman he met while gone. I messaged her directly and she confirmed he tried to make a move on her and she rejected him. When confronted, he completely deflected, ignored his attempted cheating and vanishing act, and claims me checking his phone is far worse, following a long history of Locanto use, compulsive lying, and making twisted sexual videos to "punish" me for snooping.

Before I absolutely get roasted: I am not the original poster. I am the “girl best friend” in this story.

If you remember the original post, you know it was quite the wild ride. I saw that the original post and account have now been deleted (good riddance), but I thought I'd post an update and answer some questions from people who commented on the original. After I showed my best friend what happened, I deleted most of the screenshots because I didn't feel like I needed them anymore. I did, however, copy the original text from the post itself (since you can't always post pictures on reddit), so I'll put the text in the comments for context/reminder if I can.

So, this all happened Friday last week, I believe.

I found out that my best friend, whom I usually refer to as my “brother,” had a girlfriend who made an AITA post about me. The entire premise was that she couldn't stand me despite having no actual reason to, hence the title. In the post and comments, she called me a wh0re, homewrecker, child, little girl, slxt, etc. She also started sexualizing me like crazy and somehow accused her boyfriend of being a pedophile because I'm short. Apparently being short makes me underage now? I genuinely don't follow the logic.

That evening I went to my 'brother' and showed him everything she had posted. He was absolutely disgusted by what she had said and broke up with her on the spot. He also posted this through my Reddit account: “I would never have imagined this is what she is actually like. Usually, she is shy and quiet. When she called sis a ‘lady of the night,’ I was already baffled, but I genuinely can’t believe what I’m reading in this thread.

Also, what is this tangent you keep going on about me supposedly being some kind of predator because she is short? I would strongly advise against using words when you clearly don't know what they mean.

You seem like the kind of woman who would falsely accuse a man of abuse. Good riddance.”

And that was that.

The update:

She hasn't harassed either of us any further. She came to collect her stuff from his house on Sunday. They barely spoke, and that was the end of it. My 'brother' isn't particularly devastated either. He did really like her, but they had only been dating for three months. I'm sorry... didn't she mention that in the original post? 😂 They had only known each other for a little over three months.

Was this all actually real?

Yes. This all actually happened and was very much real. The suspicion came from her Reddit account being created the same day as the post. She actually admitted in the comments that she made the account specifically because she hoped I would see the post. She thought everyone would side with her and call me names. Obviously, that didn't quite go according to plan.

Did we have sex?

Another question, or rather, request, that I saw quite a few times was people suggesting that my best friend and I should have, and I quote, “passionate, rough, amazing sex while listening to metal to spite this woman.” I have to admit, the idea amused both me and my brother greatly, but no. We genuinely view each other as big brother and little sister. We're not related by blood, but the idea of having sex with each other, even hypothetically, made both of us physically recoil in disgust. So unfortunately, Reddit, you don't get that ending. 😂

I know this probably isn't the most exciting update in the world, but the original post got quite a bit of attention and then disappeared without any resolution. So if you were part of the original discussion, I hope you enjoyed the closure. And if you weren't... well, enjoy the tea. 😂