LONG POST ALERT- AITA/ relationship
First we are not together and are NOT getting back together. So you don’t have to say leave him if that is how you feel. That has been done already.
Okay…. I’m going to try and give as much detail as possible. Let’s set the scene I (28f) have been in a relationship (we’re broken up) for a year and a few months with 33(m). Will call him B. we officially broke up in March because he again reacted out of anger to a situation instead of communicating. He was talking, i said hold one, he didn’t hear me, so he continues to talk and gets mad because “i purposely ignored him”. When i explained that i said hold on, he said i didn’t make sure i heard him. He proceeds to “cuss me out”
On the one hand ok true. On the other it’s not that serious and that is a trigger for him. I acknowledge that. My issue was with the reaction. A simple “hey, are you ignoring me?” And then listen to my answer and elaboration should have shut that down.
Rinse and repeat this scenario, over the course of 15 months. B reacts volatility and i try to be mature and communicate. I have FOR sure lost my temper and spoken out of anger as well. Especially more recently because i am at my wits in but in the beginning. I would Brainstorm ideas to help us both.
Ideas: maybe we take a break from the convo when it gets heated and we come back later, don’t raise our voices, don’t talk over each other, etc…
The CURRENT situation. I have a family friend from child hood since maybe 12-13 years of age. We met in church. He is married with two children. Let me say that. I am ALSO friends with his wife- she was my dance teacher. i literally watched his children grow up. I was at dance practice when they announced their first pregnancy. We have spent countless days, hours, and years being apart of each others life. They showed up when i graduated, came to the hospital when i had my baby, and held me as i cried when i got cheated on by my ex husband. They are like family to me. He essentially adopted me into his family in 2014. So he sometimes refers to me as his girl. He checks in on me often because i am hours away from home alone. He texts whenever he can, i used to be a shift worker so sometimes i worked over night and we would chat. He still does that, if he’s up he will text. NOTHING inappropriate. And i can show the proof to ex boyfriend that there is nothing there.
Saturday my family friend reached out “hey, i need to vent. Do you have time to talk” i am hanging out with B and HIS friends - who i do not enjoy hanging out with because on more than one occasion there has been an issue when we were out with them. I step away - 20 minutes- B comes over to check on me, sees that i am on the phone with family friend and says “oh so that’s what we’re doing, that’s so important that you had to be otp with him this time of night” (it was 11-11:30p). I said don’t do that. Fast forward i go back in sit for 5 minutes then decide to leave so as not to kill the vibe. He follows me and i address the issue.
B’s issue: he is pissed that a grown man is calling a grown man and insists it must be something inappropriate. I explain that it wasn’t and i can show that it’s not and never has been. He proceeds to continue being angry to this day. He insinuates that i must be lying despite having any evidence. He says it’s disrespectful to him as a man. And why would a grown man be calling you in the middle of the night. He’s disrespecting what we got going on (mind you we’re not together but we had JUST revisited a serious conversations with clearly defined, written out boundaries and healthy communication habits.
My issue: is his reaction. He immediately concocted a story in his head despite what i have told him. I HAVE NEVER lied to him. I have no reason to lie to him. He immediately jumps to me being disrespectful and untrustworthy. With no proof. I tell him had he asked i would’ve shown him that we never talk about anything inappropriate and nothing has ever been inappropriate between us. That’s not good enough for him. He fully believes he’s justified in being extremely pissed off still with no evidence. He calls me and says “.. i still got some questions and concerns about that relationship. Because i don’t believe that”
Now my question is: am i tripping for feeling like this is an extremely immature response and not healthy communication between two people. Was i wrong for this to be the final straw for me. His argument is that, he’s valid in his feelings because it’s disrespectful. Now i acknowledge that despite my intent. it can be taken disrespectfully. However, that in no way justifies hurling accusations, jumping to conclusions, and creating false narratives with no evidence. So am i the a-hole. I would like to hear different perspectives. Truly.