u/blendingsucks552

AITA for not being okay with my almost-50-year-old partner going on a boys trip when I know what these trips involve?
My partner and I have been together for 8 years. He just “asked” me, with about 48 hours notice, if I’m okay with him going to MGM with his longtime college friends. I genuinely don’t want to control him or be the partner who tells him he can’t go. The problem isn’t really the trip. It’s what historically comes with this particular group.
He and these guys basically bonded in college over partying and ❄️, and almost 30 years later, they still do it pretty much every time they get together. Usually it means staying up all night and getting completely f’d up. He’s probably the “best” of the group, but this has been a recurring issue in our relationship because our values just don’t align here. There have also been some really poor decisions within the friend group over the years involving infidelity, SCs, and even sharing a SW. None of that has happened during our relationship that I know of, and I’m not accusing my partner of cheating, but knowing their history and character makes it hard to just shrug this off. My partner is also very much a follower when he’s around them.
The current itinerary is a baseball game and casinos, but I know this group well enough to know ❄️, SCs and being out until morning are realistic possibilities. And when my partner gets really f’d up, he tends to avoid communicating with me, so the time I’m most uncomfortable is usually when he becomes the least reachable.
There is a lot of good in our relationship. We just have a few recurring areas where our values really don’t align, including parenting and this. He’s basically making the decision mine by saying if I really don’t want him to go, he won’t. But that leaves me feeling like my choices are either telling a grown man he “can’t” go or saying yes to something I’m genuinely uncomfortable with.
Part of me also wonders whether he should even want to go knowing what these nights historically turn into and how much this bothers me. Is there actually a healthy middle ground here? Check-ins? Agreed-upon boundaries? Or am I kidding myself trying to create “rules” for a nearly 50-year-old man?
I want him to enjoy time with his friends without me policing him. But I also don’t think being non-controlling means I have to pretend I’m fine with my partner doing ❄️ all night with a group of men whose judgment and behavior I don’t trust.
AITA if I tell him I’m genuinely not okay with him going? If he does go, what are reasonable boundaries without crossing into controlling behavior?

Our bedroom is generally an open space for all the kids. They come in, talk to us, hang out, etc., and that’s not the issue. The issue is that my 15-year-old stepdaughter keeps touching and using my personal things without asking, even after this has been discussed before.

There are two bigger reasons this bothers me.

First, there are ongoing hygiene issues. She often doesn’t flush after pooping, doesn’t consistently wash her hands, comes home from soccer and goes straight into communal food, leaves food wrappers on the floor, has left used mini pads on the floor in her bedroom, and leaves soiled underwear mixed in with clean clothes. I know I’m more sensitive about germs than some people, so I try to check myself, but I think it’s reasonable not to want my personal hygiene/beauty items touched without permission.

Second, she is very careless with belongings in general. She is materially spoiled and has access to plenty, but she does not take good care of her own things or other people’s things. We’ve found hundreds of dollars’ worth of gift cards tossed aside or even in the trash. She has opened and used brand-new items that didn’t belong to her without asking. For example, she took my 8-year-old’s brand-new boogie board that he bought with his own money, ripped the wrapper off, and left the trash on the ground outside by the pool. At 15, this feels less like a little-kid mistake and more like a pattern of not respecting other people’s belongings.

Today, she was in our room while my partner was standing right there. She had her own brush available but used mine instead, then started touching my jewelry. Then my partner started going through my drawers looking for my hair ties for her. I know a brush or hair tie can sound petty, but to me it represents the larger issue: my things are treated as available to everyone, even after I’ve clearly said I don’t want that.

I also buy my beauty/skincare items with my own hard-earned money, and some of them are expensive. I didn’t grow up with a lot of money, so when I buy nicer products now, they feel like an investment. I don’t think a teenager needs open access to expensive adult beauty products, especially when she has her own things.

I also want to be clear that this is not a stepchild versus biological child double standard. I have the same rule with my own daughter: she has to ask before borrowing or using my things.

There’s also a relationship layer. My stepdaughter and I are not especially close, despite my efforts. I try to be kind and inclusive, but I don’t overstep or parent her the way I parent my own kids. There are plenty of times where it feels like she barely wants to acknowledge me, so it feels strange and unfair to be kept at arm’s length relationally while my personal belongings are treated as available for use.

I’m not trying to be cold or territorial. I just want my personal belongings, especially hygiene and beauty items, to be respected.

Am I overreacting? How would you handle this with both the child and the bio parent without turning it into a bigger conflict?