u/BrokenSabre23

Throwaway account because this is extremely personal.

Sorry this may be a bit long.

I (33F) have been married to my husband (36M) for almost three years. Our third anniversary would have been next month. We have been separated for about four months, and I have now decided to end the marriage. I’ve asked for a divorce, and he has told me to get “my shit” out of the house this weekend.
The reason I left isn’t because of one argument. There has been a gradual deterioration in our relationship, particularly over the last 1.5 years.
One major issue is that I was never given much information about our finances. We never had a joint bank account because my husband refused. He kept his finances separate from me.
The situation with our house has also always been confusing. He would sometimes tell me it was “just a rental,” other times say he owned it, and then say it wasn’t even in his name. I honestly don’t know what is true. The only thing I know we have with both of our names on it is our marriage certificate.
I don’t know what accounts he has, what assets or debts he has, what retirement/pension accounts he has, or exactly what the situation is with the house.
I worked full-time throughout the marriage and paid essentially all of the groceries and utilities. He rarely gave me money for groceries. He covered the mortgage and rates, but I don’t know how he managed that because he barely worked.
He has back and hip problems and would sometimes work for 3–6 weeks and then be off for 3–6 months. During those periods he was home most of the time. Despite this, I was still working full-time, doing the shopping, cooking and cleaning.
Before we moved in, I painted most of the house myself and contributed financially toward a new fireplace. When the oven broke, my grandmother gave me $1,000 to help buy a replacement.
I don’t know how those contributions would be treated in a financial settlement. I’m not saying they automatically entitle me to anything; I’m explaining them because I am now trying to understand our financial position.
My housework was constantly criticised and apparently never good enough, even though he was home most days. He said he was busy doing things outside in his shed.
My cooking was also criticised. He would tell me that my cooking would “make him sick.” This was particularly confusing because earlier in our relationship he would compliment my cooking and even say some of my cultural dishes were better than his own mother’s.
Over the last 1.5 years, his attitude toward me changed drastically. He became much more critical of me, my cooking, my cleaning, my friends and my family. I increasingly felt like nothing I did was good enough.
His attitude toward my parents also changed.
He used to genuinely enjoy spending time with them. He would suggest having dinner with them or doing things together. Now he frequently says negative things about my parents and close friends and tells me that I’m simply listening to them or being influenced by them when I make decisions about our relationship.
I’ve tried to explain that my decisions are my own.
I asked for counselling because I wanted us to have a neutral person help us communicate and work through our problems. I’ve also asked him to take accountability for things he has said and done and acknowledge how his behaviour has affected me.
His response has essentially been that I’m asking for too much and that what I’m expecting is unrealistic.
He also repeatedly tells me that this is a “me problem.”
Whenever I explain why I’m hurt or why I think we need to address problems, I feel like the responsibility gets turned back onto me. I’ve started questioning whether I’m expecting too much, even though what I’ve been asking for is communication, counselling, accountability, trust and mutual respect.
There were also comments that made me question whether he respected or trusted me.
When we discussed potentially having children, he told me that if I ever became pregnant, he would request a paternity test.
I wasn’t pregnant, and there was absolutely no reason for him to believe I would cheat. Hearing that my own husband would automatically question whether a child was his was incredibly hurtful.
There were other comments too, such as, “You could have said no to the marriage,” whenever I raised problems.
He refused counselling, and despite my attempts to communicate and work through things, I eventually became emotionally exhausted.
After we separated, he sent me a message saying:
“Your parents are what has caused this to happen. Don’t blame me.”
That was particularly upsetting because he had previously enjoyed spending time with my parents and wanted to do things with them.
I’ve now decided I don’t want to continue the marriage.
The practical side has been incredibly stressful. I’ve started contacting lawyers, but the costs are extremely high, and I’m trying to understand the paperwork myself because I don’t know what financial assets actually exist.
I don’t know what is in his accounts, what the house situation actually is, what debts exist, or what other assets or financial interests he may have.
Because we never had joint accounts and he kept his finances separate from me, I feel like I’m starting from almost nothing in understanding our financial position.
I don’t want revenge or to take anything that isn’t mine. I just want a fair settlement and to move forward.
But I keep questioning myself.
AITA for leaving my husband because I no longer felt respected, trusted or emotionally supported?

Throwaway account because this is extremely personal.
Sorry this may be a bit long.

I (33F) have been married to my husband (36M) for almost three years. Our third wedding anniversary would have been next month. We have been separated for about four months, and I have now decided to end the marriage. I’ve asked for a divorce, and he has told me to get “my shit” out of the house this weekend.
I’m now trying to find a lawyer to help me with the divorce and financial settlement, but the cost of legal representation is overwhelming. I’m also trying to understand the paperwork myself because I know very little about our financial situation.
The reason I left isn’t because of one argument or one bad day. There has been a gradual deterioration in our relationship, particularly over the last year and a half.
One of the biggest issues is that I was never given any real information about our finances.
We never had a joint bank account because my husband refused to have one. He kept his finances separate from me and wouldn’t properly discuss them.
The situation with our house has been particularly confusing. He would sometimes tell me it was “just a rental.” Other times he would say that he owned the house. Then he would say that the house wasn’t even in his name.
I honestly don’t know what is true.
The only thing I know we have with both of our names on it is our marriage certificate.
I don’t know what accounts he has, what assets he has, what retirement or pension accounts he has, what debts he has, or even exactly what the situation is with the house.
I did contribute to the household in a number of ways.
I worked full-time throughout the marriage. I paid for essentially all of the groceries and all of the utilities. He would rarely give me money for groceries.
He covered the mortgage and rates, but I don’t know how he managed that because he barely worked.
He has back and hip problems and would sometimes work for 3–6 weeks and then be off work for 3–6 months. During those periods, he was home most of the time.
Despite this, I was still working full-time, doing the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning.
Before we moved into the house, I also painted most of the house myself. I contributed financially toward a new fireplace. When the oven broke, my grandmother gave me $1,000 to help me buy a new one.
I don’t know how any of these contributions would be treated in a financial settlement. I’m not saying they automatically entitle me to anything; I’m just explaining the financial and practical contributions I made because I am now trying to understand our financial position.
My housework was constantly criticised and apparently never good enough, even though he was home most days. He would say he was busy doing things outside in his shed, but I don’t really know what he was doing out there.
My cooking was also constantly criticised. He would tell me that my cooking would “make him sick.”
What makes this particularly confusing for me is that this wasn’t always how he was.
Earlier in our relationship, he would compliment my cooking. I make cultural dishes from my background, and at one point he would even tell me that some of my dishes were better than his own mother’s.
Over the last 1.5 years, his attitude toward me changed drastically.
He became much more critical of me, my cooking, my cleaning, my friends and my family. I increasingly felt like nothing I did was good enough.
His attitude toward the people closest to me also changed.
He used to genuinely enjoy spending time with my parents. He would suggest having dinner with them or doing things together. He seemed to have a good relationship with them.
Now, however, he frequently says negative things about my parents and close friends. When I make decisions about our relationship, he tells me that I’m simply listening to them or being influenced by them.
I’ve tried to explain that my decisions are my own.
I asked for counselling because I wanted us to have a neutral person help us communicate and work through our problems.
I’ve also asked him to take accountability for things he has said and done and to acknowledge how his behaviour has affected me.
His response has essentially been that I’m asking for too much and that what I’m expecting is unrealistic.
That has been one of the biggest reasons I’ve questioned whether the marriage can actually be repaired. I don’t think asking for communication, counselling and accountability is an unreasonable expectation in a marriage that is struggling.
There were also comments that made me question whether he actually respected or trusted me.
When we discussed potentially having children, he told me that if I ever became pregnant, he would request a paternity test.
I wasn’t pregnant, and there was absolutely no reason for him to believe I would cheat on him. That comment was incredibly hurtful because it essentially told me that even if I became pregnant while married to him, he would assume the child might not be his.
There were other comments too, such as telling me, “You could have said no to the marriage,” whenever I raised problems in our relationship.
He refused counselling.
I tried to communicate what I needed and tried to work through things, but I eventually became emotionally exhausted.
After we separated, he sent me a message saying:
“Your parents are what has caused this to happen. Don’t blame me.”
That was particularly upsetting because he had previously enjoyed spending time with my parents and had wanted to have dinner with them and do things with them.
Now he seems to blame them, along with my close friends, for my decision to leave.
One thing that has also really affected me is that he repeatedly tells me that this is a “me problem.”
Whenever I try to explain why I’m hurt or why I think we need to address problems in our relationship, I feel like the responsibility gets turned back onto me. Instead of discussing what I’ve raised, I’m made to feel like I’m the problem for having these concerns in the first place.
It’s made me question myself a lot and wonder whether I’m expecting too much, even though what I’ve been asking for is communication, counselling, accountability, trust and mutual respect.
I’ve now made the decision that I don’t want to continue the marriage.
The practical side of leaving has been incredibly stressful.
I’ve started contacting lawyers, but the costs are extremely high, and I’m trying to find affordable legal assistance while also figuring out what paperwork I need to complete.
The biggest problem is that I don’t know what financial assets actually exist.
I don’t know what is in his accounts, what the house situation actually is, what debts exist, what retirement or pension accounts he has, or what other assets or financial interests he may have.
Because we never had joint accounts and he kept his finances separate from me, I feel like I’m starting from almost nothing in terms of understanding our financial position.
I don’t want revenge. I don’t want to take anything that isn’t mine. I just want a fair financial settlement and to be able to move forward with my life.
But I keep questioning myself.
Was I wrong to leave?
Am I the asshole for deciding that being constantly criticised, not being trusted, being kept in the dark about finances, carrying most of the household responsibilities, being discouraged from seeking counselling, and being told that my expectations of accountability were unrealistic were enough reasons to end my marriage?
And particularly, am I unreasonable for feeling that being told my future children would need a paternity test was a major red flag?
For anyone who has been through a divorce or financial settlement where their spouse kept the finances separate or you didn’t have access to information about the household finances:
How did you find out what assets actually existed? How did you protect yourself financially? And is it possible to navigate the financial settlement process without spending a fortune on lawyers?

I (33F) am currently separated from my (36M) husband of almost 3 years. I’m struggling because I feel torn between wanting to save my marriage and wondering if I’m overlooking issues that shouldn’t be ignored.

My parents have been incredibly supportive throughout this process, and they don’t want me to go back because they’re afraid I’ll get hurt again. Sometimes I worry their perspective is influencing mine, but my friends have expressed similar concerns — mainly that they feel my husband doesn’t show genuine remorse or take accountability for things that have hurt me.

I’m trying to figure out whether they’re seeing something I’m struggling to see.

Since separating, I’ve moved back in with my parents. They’ve given me a safe place to heal. I’ve been going to the gym regularly, seeing a counsellor, and focusing on rebuilding myself emotionally and physically. Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I’m trying to become stronger and reconnect with who I was.

Before we separated, there were several things that left me feeling hurt and emotionally disconnected.

One ongoing issue was criticism. My husband would often tell me I wasn’t cleaning the house well enough, even though I was working full-time, cooking dinner most nights, and doing the cleaning. Over time, I started feeling like no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough.

My husband has ongoing back and hip issues, which made working difficult for him. I never held that against him. I increased our private health insurance so he could access better care, and I took time off work to attend specialist and surgeon appointments with him because I wanted to support him.

What hurt was feeling like I didn’t receive the same understanding in return.

Before our wedding, I left a toxic job because it was affecting my mental health. A few weeks after we got married, he became angry that I had quit and would say that all I did was stay home. The reality was that I was applying for jobs every day and found another full-time position about a month later. During that time, I didn’t feel supported — I felt judged.

He also made negative comments about my parents, who have always been supportive of me. This put me in a difficult position and caused a lot of stress.

One of the things I still struggle with happened when we talked about having children in the future. He told me that if I ever became pregnant, he would want a paternity test because he doesn’t trust the people at the church I attend.

I told him how deeply hurtful that was because it felt like he didn’t trust me. Instead of apologizing or reassuring me, he repeated that he didn’t trust the people there.

That conversation stayed with me because I wasn’t just hurt by what he said — I was hurt because I didn’t feel like my feelings were acknowledged.

We’ve now been separated for a short time. He says he wants our marriage to work and that he’s trying, but I’m struggling to identify what has actually changed.

The biggest issue for me is that when I bring up something that has hurt me, I often don’t feel like he acknowledges it, apologizes, or takes responsibility. It usually feels like he explains why he acted that way rather than recognizing the impact it had on me.

The confusing part is that I still love him.

Our marriage wasn’t all bad. We had many genuinely happy moments together. He would take me to the lakes near where we lived, we would go mushroom hunting, and he introduced me to oyster harvesting. He loved sharing his hobbies with me, and those memories mean a lot.

He could also be incredibly thoughtful. Sometimes I would come home from work and he would greet me at the door with a glass of wine. He would cook dinner and tell me to go relax and take a bath because he knew I’d had a stressful day. He regularly told me he loved me and that I was the best.

I tried to show my love too. I kept his favourite snacks stocked, and I even asked my mother-in-law to teach me how to make one of his favourite meals because I wanted to do something meaningful for him.

That’s why I feel so conflicted. I know he is capable of being loving, thoughtful, and caring. But I also experienced repeated moments where I felt criticized, unsupported, and emotionally alone.

Both realities existed at the same time.

The hardest thing for me to admit is that I no longer feel emotionally safe with him.

Before separating, I felt myself going down a very dark path. I had little motivation, I felt emotionally drained, and I barely recognized myself. I felt like I was constantly trying to be enough, trying to keep the peace, and trying to support him — but I wasn’t feeling supported in the same way.

Since leaving, I feel like I’m slowly becoming myself again.

I don’t want to throw away a marriage that had real love and beautiful memories. But I also don’t want to return to a relationship where I lose myself.

One thing I’m struggling with is that I suggested couples counselling because I don’t want us to repeat the same patterns and I want us to have a safe space to work through these issues. However, he has refused counselling.

I understand that counselling is not a magic solution, and I know someone has to genuinely want to change for it to work. But his refusal has made me question whether we are actually working toward the same goal.

He says he wants our marriage to work and that he is trying, but I’m struggling to understand what that looks like when he isn’t willing to seek outside help or have difficult conversations about the things that have damaged trust between us.

I don’t expect him to be perfect, and I know I have things I can work on too. But I feel like rebuilding a marriage requires both people to be willing to look honestly at their own actions, understand how they affected the other person, and make changes.

For those who have reconciled after a separation: what genuine signs of change did you see before getting back together? Did your spouse begin taking accountability without being prompted? Did trust and emotional safety actually return?

Based on what I’ve shared, do these sound like issues that can realistically be repaired with counselling, accountability, and effort — or do they suggest deeper patterns?

I’m genuinely looking for balanced perspectives. I’m not trying to paint him as a bad person because I don’t believe he is. I’m trying to understand whether I’m holding onto the good memories while overlooking serious issues, or whether this is something that can truly be rebuilt.