I feel like I know where this advice will go, but just wondering if anyone has any genuinely helpful advice.
My 32M boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. He came from a tough background. Was abused by his birth parents, in the foster system for a few years and then got adopted by older parents who just didn’t teach him basic life skills. He was never taught things as simple as how to blow his nose or wash his hands properly. He was basically given a bedroom when he was adopted and then turfed out at 18.
I didn’t realise any of these issues until we moved in together down the line. I sacrificed a lot to move in with him. He lost his job and was losing his (rented) home so the move in was kind of forced by circumstances rather than planned. I also found out I was pregnant shortly after and we now have a toddler.
He doesn’t brush his teeth, doesn’t wash his hands, barely showers unless told to. He doesn’t cover his nose or mouth when coughing or sneezing.
I love him but it’s giving me the ick seriously. I’ve stuck with him because I really don’t feel this is his fault and it’s his upbringing that has caused this but it’s getting a bit too much and I feel like I have two toddlers. It’s also going to rub off badly on our son who I feel I can’t teach basic hygiene properly when he doesn’t see his dad following it.
I’ve tried to gently prompt him to shower regularly and wash his hands when he sneezes etc but there’s just been no actual learning being done when I’m nicely reminding him. I’ve also tried being a little mean about it like ‘you stink, you need to go shower now’ or grimacing and saying ‘PLEASE cover your nose/mouth when you cough sneeze and NOT with your hand because that’s disgusting’ but I’m not getting ANYWHERE and especially the sneezing/coughing thing is getting to me because I’m always sick because my whole house is so germ infested.
I genuinely don’t believe that it’s all laziness. I think a lot of it is that he was never taught to build healthy habits growing up and he sees it as a chore that he’s never had to do before and was never told to do growing up so what’s the point. He’s also got ADHD so habit building is near impossible for him.
He’s definitely gotten better! I would say 7/10 he will cover his nose when sneezing now, but he uses his hands so I’m now having to attempt to get him into the habit of washing his hands after.
Has anyone dealt with anything like this before? Does anyone have any recommendations of how to get through to him or any experience in dealing with habit building with ADHD and a poor upbringing?