u/Beneficial_Jump_5808

I’ve been struggling a lot since losing my mom and I’m scared of my past
I don’t really know how to start this, but I’ve been going through a lot and needed to get it out somewhere.

I lost my mom when I was 16, and I’m 18 now. I still don’t think I’ve processed it properly. Around that same time, I was getting bullied really badly—there were videos of me circulating—and it made me feel humiliated and alone.

Because of all that, I think I started coping in unhealthy ways. I got into adult content, and when I was 17 I even messaged escorts. Nothing ever actually happened, but I still feel a lot of guilt about it. Sometimes I get scared thinking, “what if I could get in trouble?” or “what if I saw something really wrong without realizing?” Even though nothing came from it, my mind keeps going there.

Looking back, I don’t like the way I was thinking about women either. I feel like I started seeing them as objects because I was so desperate for attention, love, and security. I would even talk to older women online just to feel something.

Lately, though, I feel like my mindset has been changing. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to respect women and build real connections. I don’t want to just “get” someone—I want to earn trust and actually care about people.

About a month ago, I talked to a girl at a pharmacy because I thought she was cute. I told her that, and we had a normal conversation about her work and an injury she had. At one point I reached my hand out and she shook it—it was mutual. Then I asked if she wanted to go to lunch. She said no, I asked once more, and she said she was good, so I respected that and stopped.

But now I keep overthinking it. What if I made her uncomfortable? What if I crossed a line? It was just a short, normal interaction, but my brain keeps replaying it and making me feel like I did something wrong.

Life has just felt really heavy. Losing my mom, the bullying, and my past decisions all weigh on me. I feel a lot of guilt and fear, and sometimes I feel like I don’t even want to be here anymore—not in a dangerous way, just that everything feels overwhelming and exhausting.

I really do want to change and be a better person. I just don’t know how to move forward without feeling like my past defines me.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? How do you deal with guilt and actually move forward? I feel like leaving this world because of my lust addiction and overthinking everything. I've never chosen myself ever and if I want to leave this world I would finally chose myself for once. It hurts so much staying here, I cried everyday and every morning I cry. Guys please, i just want my mom back and I wish I was never born. Why do I overthink everything in life why me? I wish I was someone else.

I just feel really guilty and nothing ever happened in the past to change my view of women just being a dumb teenager and wanting to be loved but not knowing social cues and addiction to lust and porn fucked me but I love you guys so much.

Hey friends, as you can see from my account, it’s been a really tough year.

It got so bad that I found myself on my knees crying, begging God to bring my mom back. She passed 1.5 years ago, and I still haven’t fully processed it.

On top of that, my grandma broke her leg, and everything just got worse. She’s a complicated person—she’s done a lot for the family and worked incredibly hard, but she can also be very difficult and causes a lot of conflict

Because of that, she couldn’t stay with my uncles. They’re not perfect either, but no one could live with her. She went to India, broke her leg there, stayed until April, then came back and had to live with us since no one else would take her.

My mom took care of her, and my grandma acted like a child—she wouldn’t even let my mom come upstairs to be with us without causing a scene. No one helped, and my mom ended up dying from a brain aneurysm while caring for her

To my grandma: I don’t want to sit with you. You treated her badly—you never listened, never gave her rest, and never let her live her own life. I feel like your behavior played a part in what happened.

To my aunts and uncles: why are you here lecturing me now? If you had helped back then, maybe my mom wouldn’t have had to carry everything alone. I don’t like you, and I don’t think I ever will.

To my mom: why? Even after everything, it’s not like you get praised for it. You left me here alone. You could’ve chosen a different way—you could’ve sent her to a retirement home—but you chose her over yourself… and over me.

Recently, my grandma broke her leg again. And because she’s still the same—difficult and unbearable—no one wanted to stay with her. So again, it fell on me.
I stayed about 10 days total, 5 days straight at one point with almost no sleep. If she couldn’t sleep, she’d wake us up. If she felt unwell, we had to be there instantly. It was exhausting.
And my uncle? I hate that man. I really do. He would yell at her, tell her she should die, get angry when she had accidents because she literally couldn’t walk. That’s disgusting.

The only reason I stayed was because I couldn’t leave someone in that condition feeling alone and treated like that.
But even then, they still treated me like trash.

On the day she was getting transferred to rehab, my uncle brought a kettle. I had been making tea by putting the tea bag directly in it, so yeah, it had some stains. He came in and started fighting with me over it—like seriously, it’s tea stains. I even said I’d pay for it.

And in that moment, I snapped. I said to my grandma, “Why am I even here? I’ve been running around like a slave for this. You did the same thing to my mom.”
And then my uncle said, “You guys killed your own mom.”That broke me.Since then, I haven’t spoken to them, and I don’t plan to ever again.

After that my other uncle started screaming at my grandma and I started to cry and the uncle who said this left. I felt bad for creating a fight.

Plus guys I'm 18 now but my mom died when I was 16, I'm a guy. I have a wonderful dad and sister. They even told me this would happen, but I stayed because I felt guilty.