u/BenzoBrown

In the murky mire before the broiling dawn,

Away from the herd wanders the lonely fawn.

Deep in the thicket where the light is scorned,

She loses the path amongst the vines of thorn.

Her matted fur soaked in seeping blood

Trudging forth through infernal mud.

Beyond the bramble; twisted as sin

An ominous portal, a watcher within 

A cloudy cave of confinement, long hidden away

Ancient as the starry sky, born from the burning clay.

Mother of the Mire, Demon of the bog

Shackled in the muck of a never-ending slog.

Forgive the poor souls who fell into her trap,

Swallowed beneath the slime and the sap.

A sunken eye bearing rotten fruit,

Under swaying hair of tangled roots.

Tall as the dogwood; thin as the pines,

Skin of sludge shaped with vile design.

The path of knives she jaggedly treads,

Her mangled cape adorned in heads. 

Of those who’ve entered these marshes of shame,

None have lived to remember her name.

Hey all! I've been writing off and on for a few years, but never released anything until very recently. I don't have a lot of friends that read horror, so I'm looking for feedback on basically any aspect of this short story since this is new for me. I'm not sure if I've gone in depth enough on the characters or the story arc. I'm thinking the pacing is pretty good, but unsure if I've gone far enough with the developing the story overall. Any comments or critiques would be greatly welcomed! Hope you enjoy!

----

My brother keeps leaving the house in the middle of the night. It’s been happening for a few months now, and every time I ask him about it he just acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Honestly, I’m starting to think that he’s turned out to be quite a talented liar. He’s almost had me convinced a few times even when I know damn well what I’ve seen with my own eyes. At first I thought maybe he was just sneaking out to see some friends or some new love interest that he was keeping hidden from the family, but recently I’ve started to have my suspicions. 

I’ve been watching him closely these past few weeks, and I swear it’s like clockwork every single night. Mom and Dad go to bed at 9:30 or 10 after their nightly routine of bingeing Law & Order re-runs, and while my brother and I are supposed to be asleep we play video games until 11 or so (discretely of course). Then, we finally turn in for the night, but it doesn’t last for long. At 1:37 AM *on the dot* my brother gets out of bed, goes downstairs and walks out the back door without a single word or gesture to me; even the times when I’m obviously awake.

Weirder still, he’s not being remotely sneaky about it. If it wasn’t for my parents bedroom being on the other side of the house he would’ve surely been caught by now. The way he stomps clumsily across the floor and opens the back door, it’s like he’s not even trying to hide it; and why’s he using the backdoor anyways? There’s nothing out there except our fenced in yard and a whole lotta *nothing* beyond it. I mean absolutely nothing; miles of empty barren plains as far as the eye can see. Hell of a view… if you like looking at the sky. There’s just no reason for him to be heading that direction if he were sneaking off with his friends. It makes no sense. At first I didn’t care too much, but now I feel like I need to find out what’s going on with my brother. So, tonight I’m going to follow him. 

“Boys, please make sure you put your plates in the dishwasher when you’re finished,” Mom said to us as she sprayed her plate clean with the sink nozzle.

“Sure thing, Mom” I replied as I got up from the dinner table and hugged her shoulder, “Good dinner tonight!”

She laughed, “Isn’t a good dinner *every* night?”

“Well…”

“Of course it is, honey! You can cook the heck out of some lasagna, I’ll tell you what!” My father interjected from the living room as he flipped through the channels and eyed me sternly. 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” my brother chuckled while chewing his last bite. 

“Honey, *come on* our show is starting soon!” Dad said beckoning for her excitedly. 

She kissed us on our foreheads and went to the living room. My brother finished his meal and I raced to devour mine so that I could join him upstairs for our routine gaming session. Once I got to my room I immediately starting booting up the console, but when I turned my head I saw that he was fast asleep.

“Oh well… his loss I guess,” I murmured to myself disappointed and confused since I’d never known him to skip out on our nightly tradition. 

I played for a bit, but after awhile I decided to give up and go to bed, it just wasn’t as fun playing alone. It was 11:30 when I laid down, and for an hour or so I waited in silence listening to the wind softly rustling the branches of an oak tree up against the side paneling of the house. As my eyes slowly began to grow heavy I sat up and powered on the gaming console again for something to keep me awake. Staring at the screen with intense focus, I played for awhile until eventually I felt something brush up against my back. It was my brother’s leg as he was getting out of bed. I stared up at him as he left the room without so much as looking at me. 

The clock read 1:37 AM. I threw on my shoes and went after him. By the time I got down to the kitchen the back door was already ajar, and as I peered through it I saw my brother’s shadowy figure treading through the pale gloom of the backyard. 

“*HEY*, where are you going man?” I whispered loud enough to be heard but quiet enough to not wake the neighbors.

He didn’t respond or seem to have heard me at all. I sighed in annoyance and grabbed a flashlight from a drawer in the kitchen before heading after him. I arrived at the edge of the yard where the wooden gate hung open wide for anyone to come right on through if they had wished to. 

“Damn, what the hell is he thinking?” I breathed as I quickened my pace in an attempt to catch up to him. 

On the other side of the gate I flipped on the flashlight and pointed it forward illuminating the space in front of me. He was now several yards ahead walking out into the inky darkness of the plains towards no apparent destination. I began jogging to catch up with him until I was just a few feet behind.

“Dude, where are you going? Stop acting like you can’t hear me,” I spat angrily.

No response. I grabbed his shoulder trying to stop his stride, but something was off. He felt stiff and somehow heavier; nearly immovable. I tried and tried again but I kept losing my grip. It was like trying to catch water in your hands as it slips through your fingers. And *still* he refused to acknowledge my presence whatsoever. Looking back I could see our house, our neighborhood and the lights of town slowly disappearing from view as he marched on.

“Come on man, let’s go home. You’re scaring me…” I uttered standing in frozen bewilderment as he continued without a word. 

I was almost ready to run back home and wake up my parents to tell them everything, when I saw it. Maybe a few hundred feet across the dirt and dead grass of the plains I could barely discern the obscured shape of something quite tall looming out there in the dark. Chills ran down my body. With each abhorrent stride the air was noticeably thicker and harder to breathe. The flashlight began to flicker rapidly, eventually going out altogether. Though I was practically jumping out of my skin with dread, something lead me forth to follow him still with each suffocating step. 

I felt as though I was entering a dream. With each pace I became more aware of a detached feeling from my body, present but no longer in control. My eyes darted around helplessly as my heavy limbs trudged ahead like some invisible force was puppeteering my every move. Though we grew nearer to the shadow I couldn’t quite understand what I was looking at as it stood concealed in unwavering mist. However, I could now see that we were not alone. There were others approaching in the distance. People. Five… no, six of them crossing the plains from different directions. Like merging rivers they moved along their separate paths toward the lake of mist just ahead. 

We all arrived simultaneously as my brother and the six others halted abruptly in place, encircling the tall shadow. I came to a stop a few feet behind him and squinted through the murk. On my left I noticed a few faces that I recognized who’d come from the direction of town. The people on my right were complete strangers to me. Their clothes were noticeably more tattered than the others, and from the direction they came there was nothing for miles. There was however one thing which they all had in common. They all possessed the same horrible hypnotic stare that was now fixated on the mist-ridden silhouette in front of us. 

With a timbre unlike any I’ve ever heard before they began to chant in unison.

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The shadow within the mist shuddered ever so slightly. It was alive. 

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The blanket of fog began to falter.

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The mantra grew in volume as it echoed across the barren landscape like knives carving through the silent miles. 

*“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS - KRUM”*

Everything went deathly still. Then, suddenly the thing became illuminated in a blinding otherworldly blue radiance that burned away the remaining mist surrounding it. The Earth trembled beneath our rooted feet as I stared up in disbelief. It was shaped like a jewel, a diamond with fleshy skin of a crimson unearthly hue. Tangled pulsating veins enveloped its exterior, branching around its concave sides and jagged edges like a web of infected roots. It was watching us, its blue scintillating eye moving and cutting through the darkness with ease; taking attendance of the people surrounding it. I stood silently behind my brother as the light fell upon him. He lurched back suddenly but maintained his stance.

“What the…” I whispered breathlessly barely able to manage the words.

Without warning, the others jerked back one by one as the shimmering light encased them completely. Struggling to gather air into my lungs I fought to regain my composure, to no avail. They began hovering off the ground as their gazes widened and, with a terrible *snap*, their jaws unfastened . They all looked like they were screaming a hideous silent wail as they rose higher from the dirt. They climbed higher and higher until I was revealed out in the open; cowering like a fledgling fallen from its nest. Luckily, the entity seemed to be far too preoccupied with its appalling ritual to notice me. As the ascent went on I could feel myself gradually gaining control again, limb by limb, until finally I was able to take a shivering step backwards where my shoe crunched down abrasively on the dead grass below. In an instant the radiant eye shot its terrible gaze toward me as the light quickly dissipated around my brother and the others. Their bodies plummeted back down to the earth smacking the ground with bone shattering force as the thing stared menacingly upon me. 

“What… are… you…” I choked on my words cautiously backing away.

Darkness. The eye went dim and the misty night filled the plains with a disturbing stillness. I ran to my brother’s side where he was laying unnaturally in the dirt. I could hear the thing *shifting* quietly up ahead. Placing my arms around him I tried to lift him from the ground, but I wasn’t strong enough. My mind raced as I carefully set him back down, a large streak of blood staining my shirt. 

“Oh no… oh fuck…HEY! You need to wake up right now… We have to go. We have to leave…” I cried at him helplessly shaking him by the shoulders.

Grabbing him by the arms I started to drag him away from the grotesque scene. 

“Wake up man! Please… wake up… we have to—” 

His limp hands were suddenly yanked from my grip as his body slid forward into the fog. 

“NO! GIVE HIM BACK!” I screamed.

*Thump.* I tried to turn the flashlight back on, but all it would do was flicker lightly. *Shhhhh.* I struck it repeatedly while the terrible dragging emitted from up ahead in every direction. As I landed one final *smack* on the head of the flashlight it suddenly kicked on casting a bright ray into the gloom. Had the breath not left my body in that moment I would’ve cried out.

The thick shivering veins crept out from the thing like malformed appendages as they wrapped themselves around the battered bodies, dragging them into an opening at its center and forcing them unmercifully into the heart of its frame. As it finished swallowing them it began to lower itself into the ground, slowly drilling downward. There was nothing I could do. No rational thought could’ve possibly entered my mind in that instant. I sprinted blindly at it, maybe to strike it or attempt to pry it open again, but as I leapt at the thing and my hand collided with its flesh; all went black. 

…

Where am I? It feels like I’m drifting downriver, wandering through some primordial void. I… I have no body, but wait… there, up ahead. I think I see a light. It’s calling out to me, and I am approaching; though these choices are not my own. Shimmering in a warm incandescence, it beckons me through. From the nothingness the world refolds around me and I am again standing on solid earth. There are others here, but they do not acknowledge me. I can feel myself slipping away, falling deeper and deeper until…

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS”

My brother keeps leaving the house in the middle of the night. It’s been happening for a few months now, and every time I ask him about it he just acts like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Honestly, I’m starting to think that he’s turned out to be quite a talented liar. He’s almost had me convinced a few times even when I know damn well what I’ve seen with my own eyes. At first I thought maybe he was just sneaking out to see some friends or some new love interest that he was keeping hidden from the family, but recently I’ve started to have my suspicions. 

I’ve been watching him closely these past few weeks, and I swear it’s like clockwork every single night. Mom and Dad go to bed at 9:30 or 10 after their nightly routine of bingeing Law & Order re-runs, and while my brother and I are supposed to be asleep we play video games until 11 or so (discretely of course). Then, we finally turn in for the night, but it doesn’t last for long. At 1:37 AM *on the dot* my brother gets out of bed, goes downstairs and walks out the back door without a single word or gesture to me; even the times when I’m obviously awake.

Weirder still, he’s not being remotely sneaky about it. If it wasn’t for my parents bedroom being on the other side of the house he would’ve surely been caught by now. The way he stomps clumsily across the floor and opens the back door, it’s like he’s not even trying to hide it; and why’s he using the backdoor anyways? There’s nothing out there except our fenced in yard and a whole lotta *nothing* beyond it. I mean absolutely nothing; miles of empty barren plains as far as the eye can see. Hell of a view… if you like looking at the sky. There’s just no reason for him to be heading that direction if he were sneaking off with his friends. It makes no sense. At first I didn’t care too much, but now I feel like I need to find out what’s going on with my brother. So, tonight I’m going to follow him. 

“Boys, please make sure you put your plates in the dishwasher when you’re finished,” Mom said to us as she sprayed her plate clean with the sink nozzle.

“Sure thing, Mom” I replied as I got up from the dinner table and hugged her shoulder, “Good dinner tonight!”

She laughed, “Isn’t a good dinner *every* night?”

“Well…”

“Of course it is, honey! You can cook the heck out of some lasagna, I’ll tell you what!” My father interjected from the living room as he flipped through the channels and eyed me sternly. 

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” my brother chuckled while chewing his last bite. 

“Honey, *come on* our show is starting soon!” Dad said beckoning for her excitedly. 

She kissed us on our foreheads and went to the living room. My brother finished his meal and I raced to devour mine so that I could join him upstairs for our routine gaming session. Once I got to my room I immediately starting booting up the console, but when I turned my head I saw that he was fast asleep.

“Oh well… his loss I guess,” I murmured to myself disappointed and confused since I’d never known him to skip out on our nightly tradition. 

I played for a bit, but after awhile I decided to give up and go to bed, it just wasn’t as fun playing alone. It was 11:30 when I laid down, and for an hour or so I waited in silence listening to the wind softly rustling the branches of an oak tree up against the side paneling of the house. As my eyes slowly began to grow heavy I sat up and powered on the gaming console again for something to keep me awake. Staring at the screen with intense focus, I played for awhile until eventually I felt something brush up against my back. It was my brother’s leg as he was getting out of bed. I stared up at him as he left the room without so much as looking at me. 

The clock read 1:37 AM. I threw on my shoes and went after him. By the time I got down to the kitchen the back door was already ajar, and as I peered through it I saw my brother’s shadowy figure treading through the pale gloom of the backyard. 

“*HEY*, where are you going man?” I whispered loud enough to be heard but quiet enough to not wake the neighbors.

He didn’t respond or seem to have heard me at all. I sighed in annoyance and grabbed a flashlight from a drawer in the kitchen before heading after him. I arrived at the edge of the yard where the wooden gate hung open wide for anyone to come right on through if they had wished to. 

“Damn, what the hell is he thinking?” I breathed as I quickened my pace in an attempt to catch up to him. 

On the other side of the gate I flipped on the flashlight and pointed it forward illuminating the space in front of me. He was now several yards ahead walking out into the inky darkness of the plains towards no apparent destination. I began jogging to catch up with him until I was just a few feet behind.

“Dude, where are you going? Stop acting like you can’t hear me,” I spat angrily.

No response. I grabbed his shoulder trying to stop his stride, but something was off. He felt stiff and somehow heavier; nearly immovable. I tried and tried again but I kept losing my grip. It was like trying to catch water in your hands as it slips through your fingers. And *still* he refused to acknowledge my presence whatsoever. Looking back I could see our house, our neighborhood and the lights of town slowly disappearing from view as he marched on.

“Come on man, let’s go home. You’re scaring me…” I uttered standing in frozen bewilderment as he continued without a word. 

I was almost ready to run back home and wake up my parents to tell them everything, when I saw it. Maybe a few hundred feet across the dirt and dead grass of the plains I could barely discern the obscured shape of something quite tall looming out there in the dark. Chills ran down my body. With each abhorrent stride the air was noticeably thicker and harder to breathe. The flashlight began to flicker rapidly, eventually going out altogether. Though I was practically jumping out of my skin with dread, something lead me forth to follow him still with each suffocating step. 

I felt as though I was entering a dream. With each pace I became more aware of a detached feeling from my body, present but no longer in control. My eyes darted around helplessly as my heavy limbs trudged ahead like some invisible force was puppeteering my every move. Though we grew nearer to the shadow I couldn’t quite understand what I was looking at as it stood concealed in unwavering mist. However, I could now see that we were not alone. There were others approaching in the distance. People. Five… no, six of them crossing the plains from different directions. Like merging rivers they moved along their separate paths toward the lake of mist just ahead. 

We all arrived simultaneously as my brother and the six others halted abruptly in place, encircling the tall shadow. I came to a stop a few feet behind him and squinted through the murk. On my left I noticed a few faces that I recognized who’d come from the direction of town. The people on my right were complete strangers to me. Their clothes were noticeably more tattered than the others, and from the direction they came there was nothing for miles. There was however one thing which they all had in common. They all possessed the same horrible hypnotic stare that was now fixated on the mist-ridden silhouette in front of us. 

With a timbre unlike any I’ve ever heard before they began to chant in unison.

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The shadow within the mist shuddered ever so slightly. It was alive. 

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The blanket of fog began to falter.

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS” 

The mantra grew in volume as it echoed across the barren landscape like knives carving through the silent miles. 

*“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS - KRUM”*

Everything went deathly still. Then, suddenly the thing became illuminated in a blinding otherworldly blue radiance that burned away the remaining mist surrounding it. The Earth trembled beneath our rooted feet as I stared up in disbelief. It was shaped like a jewel, a diamond with fleshy skin of a crimson unearthly hue. Tangled pulsating veins enveloped its exterior, branching around its concave sides and jagged edges like a web of infected roots. It was watching us, its blue scintillating eye moving and cutting through the darkness with ease; taking attendance of the people surrounding it. I stood silently behind my brother as the light fell upon him. He lurched back suddenly but maintained his stance.

“What the…” I whispered breathlessly barely able to manage the words.

Without warning, the others jerked back one by one as the shimmering light encased them completely. Struggling to gather air into my lungs I fought to regain my composure, to no avail. They began hovering off the ground as their gazes widened and, with a terrible *snap*, their jaws unfastened . They all looked like they were screaming a hideous silent wail as they rose higher from the dirt. They climbed higher and higher until I was revealed out in the open; cowering like a fledgling fallen from its nest. Luckily, the entity seemed to be far too preoccupied with its appalling ritual to notice me. As the ascent went on I could feel myself gradually gaining control again, limb by limb, until finally I was able to take a shivering step backwards where my shoe crunched down abrasively on the dead grass below. In an instant the radiant eye shot its terrible gaze toward me as the light quickly dissipated around my brother and the others. Their bodies plummeted back down to the earth smacking the ground with bone shattering force as the thing stared menacingly upon me. 

“What… are… you…” I choked on my words cautiously backing away.

Darkness. The eye went dim and the misty night filled the plains with a disturbing stillness. I ran to my brother’s side where he was laying unnaturally in the dirt. I could hear the thing *shifting* quietly up ahead. Placing my arms around him I tried to lift him from the ground, but I wasn’t strong enough. My mind raced as I carefully set him back down, a large streak of blood staining my shirt. 

“Oh no… oh fuck…HEY! You need to wake up right now… We have to go. We have to leave…” I cried at him helplessly shaking him by the shoulders.

Grabbing him by the arms I started to drag him away from the grotesque scene. 

“Wake up man! Please… wake up… we have to—” 

His limp hands were suddenly yanked from my grip as his body slid forward into the fog. 

“NO! GIVE HIM BACK!” I screamed.

*Thump.* I tried to turn the flashlight back on, but all it would do was flicker lightly. *Shhhhh.* I struck it repeatedly while the terrible dragging emitted from up ahead in every direction. As I landed one final *smack* on the head of the flashlight it suddenly kicked on casting a bright ray into the gloom. Had the breath not left my body in that moment I would’ve cried out.

The thick shivering veins crept out from the thing like malformed appendages as they wrapped themselves around the battered bodies, dragging them into an opening at its center and forcing them unmercifully into the heart of its frame. As it finished swallowing them it began to lower itself into the ground, slowly drilling downward. There was nothing I could do. No rational thought could’ve possibly entered my mind in that instant. I sprinted blindly at it, maybe to strike it or attempt to pry it open again, but as I leapt at the thing and my hand collided with its flesh; all went black. 

…

Where am I? It feels like I’m drifting downriver, wandering through some primordial void. I… I have no body, but wait… there, up ahead. I think I see a light. It’s calling out to me, and I am approaching; though these choices are not my own. Shimmering in a warm incandescence, it beckons me through. From the nothingness the world refolds around me and I am again standing on solid earth. There are others here, but they do not acknowledge me. I can feel myself slipping away, falling deeper and deeper until…

“OOM - TOKO - RHEY - VAHS”