u/BergamotVerbena

I (mid 20’s female) have had friendship issues for what seems like most of my adult life after high school. In high school I was a part of a couple different friend groups, but of course had my 2 best friends who I did everything with. Once I went to college, it was hard finding who I fit in with, but I did make many friends. In college I had friends I’d hang out with, but it seemed like I had to initiate a lot of the hangouts. As time progressed, it seems to worsen. I am always the one initiating hang outs. And I am not the type of person to be in a relationship and only hang with my bf- I still need female friendships/community to feel fulfilled. I have very fun, very sweet girlfriends who will hang out with me if I ask them to do something, but they never initiate, except two of them, one of which is a new friend I just met in my neighborhood a few weeks ago and she was in a similar spot as me and we are both very glad to have a new friend. If I don’t reach out to my friends, it will be weeks, if not months before I hear from them. I have asked my best friend since high school to be honest and tell me if something is wrong with me and if I’m selfish/self centered when we hang out. She said no and that people are genuinely busy and they probably don’t mean anything by it. I am extremely outgoing and bubbly, I legitimately make friends everywhere I go- I can talk to a brick wall. And I LOVE making friends!! But the issue is sustaining these friendships. I think a part of the issue may be because I am a very structured and driven individual and I like to make plans. Most of my girlfriends are more free spirited (which I love) and work service industry jobs, so I understand their schedules are changing each month. Although I don’t think this is an excuse for them constantly being flaky and many times canceling plans or saying they’re too anxious/stressed/overwhelmed/busy etc. I know many people struggle with mental illness but so do I and I push through and still see my friends. I’m not sure if I need to find more mature and structured friends who work a 9-5 like me, or what the issue is. I have been told by numerous people that there is no issue with me and that my friends are too flaky, but that it’s also a common issue. If a friend isn’t canceling due to mental illness, they will say they have too many chores to do and they have to prioritize that. I don’t understand this- you do your chores ahead of time in preparation for plans?? I really don’t get it. I’ve also been told I’m very understanding, and I have speculated that my friends take advantage of that. Maybe I should be more honest and upfront when friends cancel and say “I understand, but this is disappointing and I expect better of my friends than the constantly cancel”. I guess this is a space for me to rant as much as it is seeking advice. I just want fun friends who will go on adventures with me. I moved back to the city I was living in after being away for six months and thought things would be different. Everyone was excited for me to come back, yet most people haven’t reached out to hang unless I texted/called them first.

Last thing- I have started making more friends at my church, which has been really great and I’m going to work on developing those friendships more. There aren’t many women my age at my church as I am orthodox and it’s a smaller congregation, but there are two girls I’ve been hanging out with some at/after church.