I’m Starting Over
The whole start of my life has been rooted in Christianity. I went to Christian only schools, I lived in a community of only Christian’s. I went to seminars. I was constantly going to worship nights. I was a singer for children church. I’ve led worship. Until, I was 13, I lived and breathed around people who worshiped God on an another level. As well as being apart of missionary groups at 8-9. Then things changed. It started simple for me, I saw hypocrisy, discrimination to people who loved the same sex, judgement on people who didn’t exactly agree with the lifestyle we lived. It never sat right with me. It never felt right, it felt like a show. I would be pray hard without really believing and people would tell me I was special, anointed. I never felt that way, I just knew what they wanted me to do. And when I started High School, I moved away from there and in with another parent and step-parent. I stopped and I never felt more free. But even more lost. I have always been spiritual. So I’ve always believed there was a higher power at play. And though I don’t agree entirely with religion (I think it can be beautiful community but I dislike how people can use it as an excuse for negativity), I believe that there’s value in having a relationship with God. It’s been so long, I don’t know how to even talk to him anymore. I feel lost and unworthy. Additionally, I’ve built up a pretty big distrust for men in my life, I feel scared to trust him even though I know I should. I have so many questions for him but it feels ridiculous to ask God. But I feel like I need him more than ever. I guess my question is to you, where would you start if you could start this journey with God all over again? Where would you start if you were me?