Everyone has a negative first impression of me
Feels like so many people I encounter are just repulsed by my existence right away or think I'm super weird or have something wrong with me. People make weird faces at me and speak to me in very hostile/uncomfortable tones like they're so grossed out by me, like they're encountering an actual goblin for the first time. Many times before I even speak. It's like they're just judging me so harshly and negatively in their heads. It makes this dysmorphia even worse, like maybe all the absolute worst things I think about myself have been true the whole time. It makes me feel so abnormal like I'm not even human.
Even when I speak or try to communicate with people, things that sound really simple and straightforward to me, other people just look at me like I threatened them or said something extremely offensive. People appear confused and puzzled by the way I'm speaking. Any brief, slight use of filler speech like a little "um" in a sentence just catches people completely off guard and now they don't know what the hell I'm saying. I feel like nobody is ever nice to me or kind towards me or really "gets me" when they meet me. It doesn't help that I dealt so much with getting bullied in school and have no friends or connections. I don't really have people in my life to reassure me or provide that foundation that I'm not just some weird disgusting person.
I feel really sick and tired of feeling judged and scrutinized by every person I encounter. I've researched so much on body language and speaking, trying to practice appearing more confident but I don't think it helps at all. Exhausted so much energy trying to be normal but it doesn't work. I don't even think I'm some ugly troll like everyone treats me, but maybe how I see myself is just completely off and nothing like how anyone else sees me. I feel really insecure about the impression I always seem to be giving off, and just so confused on what I'm doing wrong. Does anyone else feel this way?