AITA for not asking my BFF about leaving town 3 days after her surgey when she didn't share the prolonged recovery time with anyone?
All involved aged 40-47 My husband Z & I live out of state from bio family for 13 yrs, 10 of which we have known & grown very close to: M wife, N husband, and 8y. Very close. We consider our unit of 5 a family. Z and I are very involved in 8y's life. I care for 8y from bus til bedtime 2 days/week including: karate, food, homework, shower, bedtime routine. 8y is high energy, talkative, & benefits from increased adult attention & supervision. We are besties & I love it. M/mom works full time (I do not) & she comes home during these evenings. Sometimes we share child care 50/50 when she arrives but other times due to several health issues & sleep difficulties, she naps for 1-2.5 hours while I'm there. Her mother's dementia progression & care for her are also on her plate. She is a great cook and selects homemade dinner recipes I enjoy. N does not get off work usually until after 8y's bedtime so we eat together then.
In Nov, M was diagnosed w a sinus cyst. Surgery to drain was scheduled for April. In April her mom was hospitalized as surgery was approaching. A week prior to surgery, I was told she rescheduled for June. At a later date, I received the specific date & put in my phone calendar. No further discussion. In May my father asks if I want to meet up family out of state in June. I tell M and N as I receive the text w an eyeroll as my dad is challenging. No questions asked. 5 days later to M, I reference annoying text from dad about conflicts on our trip. No questions about date asked. 4 days later I tell M I will be out of town on dates in a karate specific reference. She became flustered says that me leaving 3 days after her surgery while she still have stents in her nose and won't be able to drive for 5 days "will suck" without me. I DID NOT know the extent of her recovery at all! Nor did my husband (works in medical field) nor did HER OWN HUSBAND. Z and I had decided 6 weeks earlier that he would take off the day of her surgey and the next. I am also going to be available to her the 60+ hours after her surgey before I leave. She started feverishly typing and was clearly upset but did not verbalize to be further on the topic.
Next day texting w N he says "its probably best practice to speak directly to the person having surgery, or whatever important thing, to get their feelings or their desired support."
I am finding this very hard to accept. We text argued over hours; me stating that the one having the need is responsible for communicate and ask for what they need especially when it's elevated. N went on to say that asking M would have been the "obvious" "compassionate" and "nice" thing to do. I can't help but interpret that as him saying since I didn't ask, I have fallen short in those areas.
I'm very hurt and feeling like the many hours & energy I spend adding to the running and success of thier home & family are being taken for granted. I fear that my helping clean & landscape & generosity of my labor has lead to this. The 8y & my investment in them is not in jeopardy but maybe my other efforts should be cut back.
AITAH? Open to advice on how to proceed.