Fixed dead bedroom, now sex is just bad
We resolved our dead bedroom issues through a lot of therapy, a lot of fighting, a lot of hurt feelings and emotional exhaustion. Now we have another problem; we are not on the same sexual vibe. Sex isn't natural like it used to be. There's no natural progression from just simple kisses that turn into sexually charged gropes and make outs that then turns into all the fun touching and then eventually sex.
For background, our dead bedroom was almost immediate due to his back issues and grew out of each time we'd start being intimate he'd be struck with pain and we'd have to stop. His insecurities got bigger that he couldn't ever "perform". He'd get a minute or two in and we'd have to stop, which was fine for me. I still felt wanted and desired. He somehow still made me feel sexy. I wanted him with a ravenous hunger beyond lust. I felt his love through that sexual excitement. Its hard to describe. We both knew it was there though and I finally felt like i was with my sexual match.
But his ego became extremely fragile within 6 months or so of dating. Then he began decreasing any initiative to be intimate beyond kissing and groping. No oral. No manual fun time. Nothing. That turned into the beginning of my self esteem issues and our fights about if he wanted me. He frequently ignored or passed on my advances which reinforced my negative feelings that I was the issue. That has been the cause of all our other issues that have almost ended us 3 seperate times.
It's now close to our 7 year anniversary. Sex is still infrequent and short because his back issues are way worse, but we average a few times a month now from 2-4 times a year. He was on fire for 3 months earlier in the year even trying kinky things and being extremely romantic, designing sex night themes.
We had a lot of fun and he was really trying to keep up the effort and to be in tuned with me.
But it still lacks that initial spark and electric charge. He says it's there for him. Now I'm confused. How were we so in sync before and now it's so forced feeling for me? And why can't he tell?
It's so planned and scripted. It's discussed, like appointments and I have to remind him 2-3 times before bed to communicate if he's changing his mind so I'm not left waiting and wondering.
So then when he's ready, he tells me and I participate. I don't come on to him because it still doesn't work, he still gets in his head and puts it off for bedtime or the next night. The process goes, he asks me to go to bed with him and we commence intimacy. Same format. Since his streak of kinky and fun I mentioned which ended 4 months ago, we went one full month with no intimacy at all then the next months have been a couple of times each. All the same way. Same call me to our room, same roll on his side to kiss me, same grope my breasts, remove panties, get on top of me, insert, and then notice I'm dry as a bone, use lube, get going for a minute, his pain hits, roll off me, apologize, kiss, clean up, fall asleep routine.
He thinks I'm dry because of menopause. I know it's cause I am not turned on in the least. We've discussed that I'm missing the natural progression to having sex, we've discussed my need for foreplay, discussed what we both believe foreplay is, and worked in therapy on these topics also. At this point, I don't know what to do. I feel very ungrateful and like I'm just picking on him at this point. How bratty am I that I'm finally getting some form of intimacy and connection from him and now it's not good enough?
Feeling pretty crappy about it and not sure where to go from here. Has anyone ever been in this position? How did you handle it?