Custody Modification
I will try to keep this as short as possible, but the details matter here.
My son (9) is diagnosed with ADHD. His mother and I have been seperated for about 6 years (never married) and have always done 50/50 with joint legal.
We are currently awaiting an evidentiary hearing this summer after failed mediation. In the past couple of years, I requested mediation 3 times before asking the court to order it- which they did. BM delayed mediation until the judge gave a final deadline. It finally happened but nothing was agreed upon.
BM is requesting sole physical custody and 75/25 custody favoring her. I have asked for final decision making authority, making clear that I intend to follow the recommendation of our son's medical and mental health providers. I have also asked for a new schedule, either week on/week off or 5225.
Here's how we ended up here:
Last fall, my son started displaying concerning behaviors. He exposed himself to my stepdaughter (6) and also inserted an object rectally in front of her on a seperate occasion. This was before my wife gave birth to our son in December. For the following months, my older son was making consistent statements about harming and murdering babies, naming his little brother specifically during an incident at school in which a teacher overheard. Additionally, he was watching violent and sexual content at his mother’s home on an iPad he has there- without limits as far as time and supervision goes.
My son has been with a therapist for 2 years. My coparent failed to keep me in the loop, making appointments I did not know were happening. I asked that we find a new therapist that provides play therapy and that can at least do in-person visits (as his current therapist was only able to do video sessions). She refused. I ended up speaking one on one with this therapist to find out my coparent had not been forthcoming about concerning behaviors my son was doing. As far as the therapist was aware of until our conversation, everything was mostly fine.
I filed for a modification in custody at the end of 2025. Between then and now, my son has needed emergency psychiatric evaluation and care twice as a result of suicidal and homicidal ideation/intent. I have brought my son to appointments with his primary, follow ups from the ER, etc. (all having been communicated to BM before and after) and at this point, we have over 10 recommendations and referrals for my son to receive an escalated version of therapy than he is currently receiving. My coparent has either refused or not responded to all of them.
To add to my request for final decision-making, my coparent unilaterally changed our child's school district after moving to another county without mentioning anything to me about the move or school change. This forced me to change employment so I could accomodate the further distance to and from his school. She told her lawyer, who communicated to mine, who informed me, that she is currently planning another move even further away. This move would force a custody change.
Throughout all of this, my son's behavior has escalated. He lit a fire in his mother's bathroom as the most recent incident and directed my son not to tell me. During a therapy appointment that happened 2 days after this incident, she failed to mention this and stated there were no concerning behaviors happening in her home, which has been the narrative shes pushed the entire time.
My son is also being told about adult issues, such as details of the court case. His mother has been telling him not to tell me anything or he will get into trouble. She's been telling my son that I'm a liar. She had her boyfriend write a testimony with blatant lies (that can and will be proven false). All of her Affadavits have consisted of disparaging me and my ability to parent and lies about the state of my home, things I have or have not done, etc.
It should be noted that I document everything. I, thankfully, have proof that will contradict everything that has been said about me. I also have proof of the unilateral decisions, the refusal to mediate, refusals to actively collaborate in our son's mental health help, refusals to co-parent. Everything, even down to how she has taken my son on holidays that were on my time, even Father's Day. I also have evidence of her disparaging me and verbally and emotionally abusing our son.
During mediation, she used child support as a bargaining chip. She suggested that she would not ask for child support if I give her more time, which was a resounding no from me. For 6 years, my son was with me every Thurs through Sun. What our son needs is equal time- quality time- with both of his parents. He needs less transitions that will actually offer him the ability to settle into the home after transitions. This is why I've asked for the schedule I have asked for.
My coparent is asking for a schedule that gives her majority time. Her only reasoning for this is that he did better in school with her on more school days. However, we did change the schedule temporarily to where he can spend every other weekend with her on Saturday nights to Sunday night. My coparent didn't realize that the schedule we both agreed to actually ends up being 60/40 in my favor. And since we've changed schedules, my son has done better in school (which again, I have evidence of). The judge ordered this schedule to remain until at least the evidentiary hearing. By then, this schedule will be the status quo. To receive the schedule I originally asked for would only require adding one or two more days to my coparent. However, she's so far refused these days that would give her equal parenting time because it would "affect her lifestyle".
To add the cherry on top, I have reason to believe she is committing welfare fraud and has not updated her income to any of the institutions that require her to do so in years. She has so far refused any requests for financial info from my lawyer.
I know this is a lot. If anything needs specified, please just ask. My lawyer is feeling very good now that we got the evidentiary hearing and everything I have will finally be brought to the table. But I'm wondering what advice or thoughts people can offer. How do you think this will go?