(England) AITAH for Refusing to give Sympathy to my brother who recently lost his wife through cancer and is 'devastated'.. Even though he beat her/Abused her and even told her he couldn't wait for her to die of cancer?
Basically the title but i'll add a little bit of backstory IF needed.
We are a quite family. None of us like drama and have never been in trouble with the police.
My brother (Mark) I've never got on with. He's always been a bully and as he's got older he's got worse.
Over the years he's been arrested for for beating up two gay men verbally abusing them. He's been charged for racial abuse towards nurses at A&E and constantly going on rants about minorities.
He is an alcoholic and drug addict and blames our fathers death BUT our father died years after he became one.
Over the years he's drukenly/drugged smashed up our nans house, my mums house and his own flat. He's gone to court a few times but walked away with a suspended sentences or just community service etc.
When he was 28 he started dating this 'lady' who was also a alcoholic and drug addict. She had a very high paying job in the public sector and basically kept them both in drugs and alcohol.
One evening they both went over to my mothers at 2am-ish and started kicking the door demanding to come in. She obviously refused and they ended up forcing their way in through the backdoor and smashed the kitchen up. The police arrived, took them away etc but once again not really much happened.
They tried to say sorry and said they had a bad 'trip' and paid for the damage.
We then had an intervention and asked him to get help and he told us all to go "Fuck yourselves". At this point our family cut ties with him until he got help.
A few months later he got married to her and we've heard through friends that he'd beaten her up multiple times and only ever ended up with a suspended sentence BUT was told to stay away from her as a condition but he didn't and he ended up beating her again and going to prison for a bit.
Skip forward a few years and he wrote my mum a letter saying his wife was dying of Cancer and could they come around to talk about it and sort things out as they've "Changed" and are "Sober".
A few days later he came around and we all sat and talked. I'd like to point out at this point he was SOBER so the following has nothing to do with drink and/or drugs.
His wife wasn't with him and he kept saying she was on her way. She then rang him and said she wasn't coming and he started SCREAMING at the top of his voice. (The following contains some really dark comments so just be warned) >!"DON'T F**KING COME THEN YOU CANCER RIDDEN C**T!!!", "JUST GO AND FUCKING DIE ALREADY! YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD WHEN I SEE YOU NEXT". The last thing he said was "I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO DIE OF CANCER.". !<Even typing that out makes me feel fucking sick. How can you say that to somebody who you love and has cancer?!?! We lost our dad to cancer and it was awful. Ill never get over it and hearing that is what made me not want anything more to do with him. I said maybe he should leave and my Brother and mother said "No." and it was made clear I should leave if I couldn't not say anything to him as it would cause trouble. So i left.
This happened again (I wasn't there) a week later with almost the same thing being said to her when she didn't turn up. This time he was asked to leave and not come back.
Anyway, to cut a very long story short (Too late). My mum and brother are back in-contact with him.
He ended up beating her up again about 6 months ago (She didn't call the police) and she died 2 weeks ago from the Cancer
I have refused to even see him or speak to him and this has caused a MASSIVE rift between me and my mum. It's her funeral next week and while i've been invited I will not be going.
I have been called "cold" and "Cruel" and "You should want to be there for your brother. he has nobody".
I feel like I am being called out more for this than he ever has been for beating his wife/saying what he did to her that day on the phone and it's made me sick.
My argument is this: He treated her (and she treated him) like shit while she was alive.
He wished she was dead while she was dying MULTIPLE times and no doubt times we weren't there to hear it. He threatened to BEAT her in-front of us and nobody seemed to say anything?!
What he said to her was disgusting and the way he treated her was vile. maybe he deserves to suffer and be on his own at this time. He's caused us SO much stress and fear through the years and he's still the same now.
It may be cold but I have my own family and their safety to worry about and I live by the old saying "If you want people to be there for you then you need them you don't treat them like shit when you don't".
Am i being cold? Am I in the wrong?
Additional: I am sorry for the long post.