A little back story:
Ever since I met my husband, his parents had spent winters with my BIL & SIL as they had a younger child. My BIL lived in a different state from his parents and a different state than me. My husband was a contract employee so he went to new work sites every 2 months until COVID.
Shortly after our wedding, my BIL & SIL move back to my state, which is my SIL’s home state. They also now have 2 young kids. My IL’s would still spend some of the winter with them but were upset as the weather is not as nice here as it was in their previous state. When the IL’s would be in our state my husband and I would drive the 4 hours to my BIL’s to spend time with the family multiple times in the 2-3 months their parents would be in the area.
Fast forward some years, I’m established in my career and owned a home before I met my husband. We both have jobs in our area and have a young child so now they like to spend Dec-March in our state so they can split the time between their sons. When they visit, we are always busy. My husband and I both work in education, he in fine arts and myself in special education. They show up around Christmas and our Spring Break. So while my family is physically closer, it still means we have to juggle our normal routine with visitors. They do stay in hotels so that is a plus but they always want to be hosted or catered to. I’m not going to do that and my husband doesn’t expect it. We’ve told them June/July is a better time for our schedule but it doesn’t matter. We even go up in the summers with our son but they just want to sit and watch him play, he is an active toddler, there is no sit and watch.
Issue at hand:
IL’s didn’t come down this winter but we all took different times to go up there. I won’t get into the health saga but they are older so there may not be many more visits. They decide to visit in May. No asking, just announce dates. These dates work for BIL’s family but not us. My husband said he indicated that it’s a very busy time of the year and we will do what we can but we make no promises. They ignored his concerns.
They were here this weekend as they stopped by before going to BIL’s. Friday they gave me a nice Mother’s Day card stating that they would take me to my favorite place for dinner when they come back at the end of the month. Saturday they were a bit upset about us taking my son to a birthday party for a classmate at daycare in the mid-day. When I put our son down for a nap, I rested a bit too. They were here when I woke up. No big deal, didn’t impact me.
When I come down, my husband and his parents are figuring out dinner. I suggested we just go to the restaurant to have a better experience as it is a nicer Italian place. They agreed so I packed up the toddler and we all went. It was a decent time but I prioritize my child and my IL’s always seem to need my husband to help with things they do independently. At the end of the meal, my FIL says this is my Mother’s Day dinner. I know my fave said “wtf” because he reminded me that they wrote a message in my card. I just said “oh.” My husband said “I’m taking her for Mexican for Mother’s Day because it is her favorite.” MIL jumps in “well I don’t like Mexican because it is spicy” which led the toddler to start crying because he thought he was missing out on nachos which is his favorite food group. I comforted our son and we just said our goodbyes.
They left from dinner so we didn’t see them Sunday. My husband notices I’m a little down so I tell him that I feel like my wants/needs are always dismissed and that his parents make things about themselves. He said “I understand why you feel that way. I’m sorry you feel less valued than you are.” It made me feel heard but he just doesn’t get it. They want us to bend over backward when they are here but we both work! We don’t make tons of money and we don’t have the flexibility like BIL’s family.
I’m just done placating others when they can’t be considerate of my family. And while my husband is empathetic they are his parents and he doesn’t see it like I do. He’s not a hard boundary person like I am even though after this situation he said we need firmer boundaries with them and that he is going to ignore his dad’s guilt trips.