My husband was the best partner I had and also the one who hurt me the most
I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore and I need outside opinions. I’m married with two small children. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and built a life together.
The problem is that our relationship has become emotionally exhausting and unstable.
My husband has also treated me better than any man I’ve ever known in many ways. He supports, helps, provides, is involved with the kids, and when things are calm, he can genuinely be caring and loving. That’s what makes this so confusing and painful.
But during conflicts, things become extreme. He used to struggle with alcohol and I convinced myself for years that the anger came from that. He stopped drinking, but the anger issues and explosive fights still continued. There has also been physical violence in the relationship. I keep minimizing it in my head because it “wasn’t that bad,” but I can’t ignore how much it affected me emotionally.
I’ve reached a point where I feel deeply disconnected from him. I gave him back my ring recently because something inside me feels broken. Every time I look at him, I remember the fights, the disrespect, the fear of another explosion happening again in a few weeks.
We already tried “separating” while living in the same house before, and after about a month another huge fight happened.
I don’t hate him. That’s the hardest part. I still see the good in him. I know he loves the kids. I know he has good qualities. But I feel emotionally exhausted, unsafe internally, and trapped.
I’m also terrified of the impact this could eventually have on our children if another explosive fight happens in front of them.
At the same time, I feel guilty even thinking about ending things because we built so much together and neither of us really has somewhere else to go immediately.
I honestly don’t know:
- if this relationship is repairable
- if I’m emotionally finished
- if staying is damaging me more
- or if I’m making decisions from emotional exhaustion
Has anyone been in a situation where someone was both the person who loved you the most and hurt you the most?
How did you know when it was truly over versus a crisis that could still be repaired?