I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t want to stay…
This might be a little long, so I apologize in advance. I (22F) and my husband (26M) have been married for about 1.5 years now, after dating for 2 years. It was a little rocky with 3 breakups before the marriage, but each time, we regretted it and always came back together stronger. The marriage has been wonderful until around a week ago…
I tend to get really, REALLY emotional on my period, so I was struggling with some jealousy at this time. Just wishing I could have a husband who actually wanted to support and partake in my main hobby. I told him about this and reassured him that this was more than likely just period emotions, as it’s been the same emotion each time I’ve had my period the past few months. But this time it just felt stronger. I was surprised when he told me that he was feeling the same way, but about his career, and didn’t think anything of it so he didn’t say anything. He gave up his dream of becoming a fighter pilot in order to marry me and eventually start a family. So we realized that we were holding each other back from being truly, 100% happy. We cried so much thinking about what to do. Now, a week later, my jealousy has faded and I feel just fine. But his…hasn’t. In fact, it got worse. Through this week, he made a few realizations about why he’s unhappy with me:
- I have trouble staying consistent in things he asks me to do (this is totally on me, I struggle with consistency and I feel awful about it)
- Lack of initiative (I don’t like taking initiative because I’m afraid of doing things wrong, but I want to be better)
- He struggles to connect intellectually with me. My thinking/thought process/how I go about my day to day. I don’t pick up on stuff like he does. (I’m a very surface-level thinker and have trouble making connections in my head, also something I want to work on)
- He doesnt feel like I fully connect with all of who he is. A decent amount of things he does/talk about he wants to have conversations about, but doesn’t feel like I can match him. He told me that he wants a peer, but he sees me as a subordinate just because I can’t match his intellect. It feels frustrating/limiting to him.
- He wants someone to bring wits to bear against him.
- He feels like he’s never found anyone that can challenge him.
- He says that there’s a depth that I lack. Through raw experience, variety within that experience, pain and suffering, learning how people and the world work.
- He says that he doesn’t see a passion for life in me. He wants me to take joy in just about anything. He doesn’t like my intolerance of simple things (like walking in the rain).
- And lastly, he very specifically said that this was a “divorce-able quality”: My lack of life experience. He’s right, I haven’t had much, but I didn’t think that would be grounds for divorce…
A lot of these things I can improve upon in time, but some of them I feel is just how I’m wired. I’m not diagnosed, but I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if I’m autistic. We talked about all of these issues, and he basically just said that our marriage is fine for now, and that we’re just keeping an eye out for other potential issues that could lead to a divorce. But this is eating me up inside. I struggle a lot with black and white thinking, so because there’s a potentiality for divorce, that is ALL my mind has been able to focus on. I’ve been incredibly anxious and stressed this entire past week, worrying about how I’ll move out, how I’ll move on, if I’ll get all my stuff back, etc. But when I go to my husband with my worries, he gets really annoyed and just says to relax and give it a rest because we’re okay for now. But my brain only hears the “for now”. I don’t feel like I can be at rest within our marriage anymore. He’s told me that he WANTS to stay with me and WANTS to fight for this marriage, but doesn’t know if we should, and that only time will tell. When I mentioned couples counseling, he said that he doesn’t think these issues are able to be resolved through counseling, and doesn’t want to waste the money on something that might not work. He also said that the main things that will help him to be happier is if I give the worries a rest, and start improving my life for ME, instead of trying to do so for HIM.
So, I went line dancing by myself last night despite having awful social anxiety. I met a friend, and had an AWESOME time. I felt so alive and free. I found myself wishing I could learn swing dancing again, but gave it up when I met my husband since he didn’t want to do it and didn’t want me dancing with other guys (which I felt was understandable).
So now, I just don’t know what to do. I’m a Christian, so I feel like I have this duty to uphold my marriage commitment I made before God. I don’t want to be the one to ask for a divorce. Plus, I have no family around. I live on the exact opposite coast as all my family. I don’t have a car either (we share 1 car, and it’s in his name). And, the thing that I really struggle with, he’s been the ONLY person I’ve ever been intimate with. I don’t want to lose that…
TLDR, my marriage is falling apart because of issues my husband has with me that I might not have control over. He’s not sure if he wants a divorce or not, says that only time will tell, and it’s eating me up inside.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what advice to ask for. I really don’t want to leave him, but I hate not knowing if he’s going to decide to divorce me or not.