Dealing with my girlfriend's abusive ex who keeps threatening me. Need advice.
I'm dealing with a situation that has been wearing me down, and I'd really appreciate some outside opinions.
I recently got into a relationship with an amazing woman that I've actually known for about five years. We were on and off as friends during that time, mainly because of her ex. Whenever they got back together, I stepped back. There was never anything romantic between us while they were together. I was just a friend with whom she could talk to when things got bad.(i was never there when they were in a relationship) because i respected that.
Over the years I watched this guy repeatedly hurt her. He killed her cat, insulted his own children, said he didn't care about them, cheated on her multiple times, and even sent her videos of himself with other women just to hurt her. Every time he ran out of money, he'd suddenly become interested in seeing the kids again. Once she gave him money, he'd disappear, go drinking, cheat, and ghost them for weeks or months.
I kept telling her this was a cycle of manipulation. He only seemed to come back when he wanted something.
The saddest part has always been the boys. He rarely asked about their lives. Most conversations were about their mom, not them. Then he'd disappear again, leaving them heartbroken. Watching them get excited that their dad might finally stay involved, only to be abandoned over and over, was painful.
She has two wonderful sons. The oldest was understandably cautious around me at first. I never forced anything and just gave him time. Eventually he started opening up. The youngest has mild autism, and he and I bonded very quickly. We'd read together, he'd show me his Lego creations and toys, I'd ask about his day, tuck him in with a goodnight, and genuinely enjoy spending time with him. I've known these boys since they were toddlers, and I've always cared about them, even when their mom and I weren't together.
Eventually, my girlfriend decided to completely cut off her ex because every time he came back, all he brought was chaos. She still allowed him opportunities to speak with the boys, hoping things would be different, but it always turned into him filling their heads with negativity instead of actually being a father.
He has never supported them financially, never spent meaningful time with them, never played games with them, never showed up consistently, despite having plenty of free time. He mainly drinks and blames everyone else.
Seeing how broken my girlfriend and these boys were made me step up. I never tried to replace anyone, but I wanted to be the stable father figure they deserved. They now call me "Papa," and I love them like they're my own.
Now here's the problem.
Instead of contacting me directly like an adult, he keeps making new accounts to message my girlfriend. He claims he misses the kids, but his actions have never matched his words. He's also threatened to shoot me. I live in a third-world country where threats like that aren't always taken as seriously as they should be, so while I'm not panicking, I'm also not brushing it off.
I honestly don't want to keep him from his children if he genuinely wanted to be a healthy father. I even considered reaching out to him myself to see if we could find a reasonable way for him to have contact with them. But every single time he comes back into their lives, he hurts them all over again.
I'm not scared of him. I'm just exhausted.
Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? How do you handle an abusive ex who refuses to move on, keeps manipulating everyone, and now starts making threats? Should I keep trying to be reasonable, or is it time to completely stop engaging?
Any advice would be appreciated.