u/Big-Selection3963

(19F) I have been drinking heavily almost daily/every other day since January, and I’ve been smoking 🍃 + nic since I was about 13. I recently started getting close to a dealer in more of a relationship type of way. We knew each other for about 2 weeks, and one night we fought pretty bad. He left to work a night shift, and I tried to absolutely numb myself.
I don’t want to say everything I was taking, but it was more than I had ever tried before. I was just trying to deal with feeling so miserable and misunderstood. My mental health was getting pretty bad. I completely blacked out in bed after a few substances. I remember a few flashes of memories, but everyone who knows me knows I am SO heavily against driving impaired because of multiple reasons. This is the farthest thing out of character for me.
I had to go to work in the morning, and I don’t remember waking up, getting in my car, or anything from that morning besides hitting an embankment. From what people told me, I flew over 100 feet off the highway right in front of someone’s house. No one else was injured, but I was fucked.
I broke my T11-L3 (I’m pretty sure, or they fused them in some type of way), and the doctors at the ER said it’s extremely rare that someone in my condition isn’t paralyzed or brain dead from a spinal cord injury.
I officially reached rock bottom when I found out my boyfriend ( became official in the first 2 weeks call me childish idc i know )was texting multiple girls and had a deeper relationship with one where they would both delete messages because they both had a boyfriend/girlfriend … AFTER I had the accident and major spine surgery.
I was on the brink of death and wasn’t even conscious for the full day it happened.
I am an absolute piece of shit in my own brain. I feel like I lost my soul and gained something else. I don’t know what to do now. My life was nonstop benders and dopamine addiction, and I wish so badly that I could go back to how fun my life was. I had bad mental health issues, but my terrible coping skills genuinely gave me good memories and made me happy.
It’s definitely not withdrawal, but I feel like I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t know why I survived. I was a piece of shit who didn’t really care about anything or anyone and was very close to being sewercidle simply because I didn’t care for the effort life took anymore. I always said I wasn’t making it past my early 20s like it was just a gut feeling.
This is probably a stupid question now, but what the actual fuck do I do now?
I’m in recovery and can’t walk, but will be able to in a few weeks I’m in horrible pain 24/7, and I just found out one of my favorite people was talking shit about me behind my back and sexting girls IN MY HOUSE while I was in 10/10 pain with 49 staples in my back.
I need someone who doesn’t know me to kind of give some advice on what all of this means. I’m so critical of myself because I feel like I’ve constantly made the wrong choices, and I don’t know why I’m still here. What would you do if you were in this position?
I need advice because I’m losing my mind overthinking why I’m still here. Why can I move my legs? Why am I not a vegetable? I completely deserved the consequences of putting people’s lives in danger by driving intoxicated, but I genuinely have no recollection of that morning.
TL;DR: How can I actually take the second chance I was given? It’s like I started an entirely new life, and I don’t know how to move forward or learn to value my life anymore.