I´m lonely even when talking to my friends and I want out
I (M20) live alone near the city were I go to university, I have rommates, but one of them (M23) is away right now for dual studies and the other one (F20) is never here. I am alone, have been for over 2 months now.
I have 2 friends from school, and we communicate per voice calls almost every single day, I have recently noticed tho, that I am no longer that happy when doing stuff with them. I´ve known them for about 8 years.
One of them has a history of poor mental health, so I kinda understand why he´s stuck in one place mentally, the other one I honestly have no idea why he isn´t doing anything and he won´t tell me, whenever I ask him he just changes the topic. I tried to give them pointers for gap years, since that is what I did after school and other stuff, but I honestly don´t know what to do anymore.
They constantly make jokes about how socially weird and awkward I am, I laugh it of but honestly I´m sick of it. Like, "oh haha you´ve got no friends but us!!" or "haha you cant talk to people (or specifically women)" yeah well, if it was up to me to be awkward then I would just flip a switch and make it go away. Whats worse is I have told them numerous times that I wasn´t always that way, and that bullying during 5th and 6th grade made me this way. I used to socialize, I used to have tons of friends in primary and start of highschool. but during 6th grade I got told by another classmate, that there was an entire seperate group chat for the class, just without me. Was he lying?, maybe, but it seriously f*cked me up to the point where I had to switch classes.
I´m sick of the wa they treat me and I want out, but I don´t have any friends online cause Im scared of talking to people I don´t know, I don´t have any friends in the city I study in. Only one acquaintance in form of a former classmate (F21) whom I haven´t texted in over 8 months, because last time I did was at a party, where I had my first blackout and sent a lot of voice messages to various people. I could listen to my own audios, but i transcribed them, and I was basically just whining about not being able to communicate and keep friends.
I haven´t consumed alcohol since, the night haunts me till today and has probably significantely decreased my chances at ever becoming friends with her or any other people that i went to school with. I texted her after the incident that i was sorry and that i was out of line, but until today I have not received a response.
So yeah i REALLY need things to change, I´m currently at the point were I genuinely consider ending myself somedays. I don´t have the guts to do it, so I dont think I will, plus I have a very young brother whom I would really like to see grow up, but the fact that I thought about it seriously is definetely enough for me to want to start seeking help. Telling my family is out of the question, as my father specifiacally has had incredibly intense experiences with this and I will not compromise his mental health, as it is already strained from work, morgage payments and my (now) first brother coming out as trans and failing school. Same thing with my mother but less extreme.
Sorry for the long post, this is the first time I´m posting, as i needed to let my feelings out somewhere. English is also not my first language so excuse my spelling and punctuation.