I’m 18 years old, I got held back in school, and I feel so incredibly lost. It feels like everything is going wrong. My old classmates feel so far ahead; I don't get to know what's happening anymore and I always get the news last. I think I might also have ADHD, though I don’t really know for sure. I have a major fear of missing out; I always want to know everything, and I have a lot of hobbies, but things just feel weird. I don’t really know how to say it.
I also never cry. I would like to, but I just can't. There’s a stereotype that men shouldn't cry; I don’t like that, but I still just can’t do it. I think the last time I cried I was 12 years old. It’s weird because I want to express my emotions, but I can't. If someone asks if I’m okay, I just say 'yes' and that’s it, even though I want to express myself.
I also wanted to share something that happened a couple of days ago. There was a party where a friend’s friend had to finish a short film for school. I bonded with one girl there. We didn’t talk face-to-face much at first, but when I went out for a smoke, she sat down with me. I put my arm around her and she didn't say anything, which made me very happy because the last time something like that happened was 2 or 3 years ago—and that was just a 'situationship.' I’ve never been in a real relationship.
Anyway, while the filming was happening, she was recording a scene and I was standing behind her; she leaned back against me. Later, I wanted to go lay in a bathtub because it’s a bit of a safe space for me, and she came to me I and said, 'If you want, you can lay down with me,' and she did. When we were outside just the two of us, I asked where everyone would sleep. She said the other people would get beds in other rooms, but she was going to sleep in her parents' bed. I asked where I would sleep, and she said, 'With me.'
I was so happy. We had been drinking, and when we went to bed, I cuddled up to her and we slept in a spooning position. I was smiling the whole time; it was just the best. She held my hand and scratched my head—it was wonderful. I thought maybe there would be something more later and that we would meet again.
I messaged her in the morning and we chatted like normal. I felt so in love, but I was being very 'delulu' and overthinking a lot. The next day, I asked my friend to ask her what she thought about me. She sent a photo of what the girl wrote: she said it was fun, but she didn’t want anything more.
I feel so lost. We spent almost the whole night together, and just like that, it’s gone. I think I’m going to overthink this for a long time. It’s not the first time something like this has happened, but I just feel so lost and don't know what to say.
And i also dont get it how people would like me its not like i look good maby i just look good for one night stand i don’t know anymore and also i think im a cwry carring merson that can help in any situation