My [25F] boyfriend [43] prioritizes his ex wife over me
TLDR: my boyfriend still lives with and takes care of his ex wife, and will always choose her over me
My (25f) boyfriend (43m) (I know the age gap is already an issue for some; we have been together 9 months) takes care of his ex wife. Honestly I’m not even sure if I should refer to her as his ex wife yet, as they’re still legally married. He calls her his best friend.
They broke up a few years ago and she’s already engaged to someone else, but she also cheats on him. They all (boyfriend, wife, fiancé) live together with their preteen daughter. Ex wife/best friend is disabled and does not work, her fiancé struggles to keep a job, and my boyfriend is the primary breadwinner.
There have already been some red flags that have come up, such as concerns that my boyfriend is being financially abused. Or things that concern me, such as how everything seems to revolve about the ex wife. All the family events are with her family, they have to do dishes around her schedule because she is annoyed by the sound, they do everything to take care of her.
Financially, they are fucked. She controls the finances and they are in a ton of debt, especially since the fiancé can’t keep a job. This was a big concern of mine in the beginning. This has also brought me stress and I have loaned them rent money once since my boyfriend has lost his job (layoffs, nothing he did wrong). I regret it now, especially since I am on my own. I have no family and I am recently divorced.
I already knew I wasn’t going to be his top priority and I tried to come to terms with that. What has made it hit harder and has made me realize I may need to move on, is that I was to get my PhD. With my career goals, I would likely need to move states to achieve this. When I told him I would have to commit to living somewhere for around 7 years to do this, he made it clear that his family was going to be moving states in the next few years and he would go with them. So essentially, we either do long distance (which, neither of us seem to want) or I try to get into a program where they want to move. It’s a highly competitive field so the chances of that happening are slim.
I wasn’t a top priority for my family or my ex husband. I want to be with someone where I’m the top priority in their life. Is that too much to ask for? Do I explain this to my boyfriend or do I just go ahead and move on?