I feel painfully unequipped to do shit and it makes me depressed
I'm 20 and unfortunately went down the pipeline of gifted kid -> flying under the radar high school student -> drowning college student and idk. I feel the only way I can have a comfortable life is by being in some position of privilege from my family, but I know it won't always be that way and I'd like to be fully independent. But I don't see me being fully financially independent without absolutely, entirely having my soul sucked from my body. I don't budget properly I can't allocate time like ever, and everything I need time management for I just keep fucking failing at.
When I started college it was after a gap year of doing absolutely nothing. The first semester I did great, the second semester I started going under, and then the third and fourth semester I've started completely drowning despite taking on less work then I did in the first semester.
Some fucked part of me despite caring a lot about succeeding and trying to keep my head above water, I think some part of me is burnt out and just does not care to even TRY with time management anymore. That executive dysfunction screws me over in every way. I've tried to get diagnosed and listened to but people absolutely do not want to listen to me. I've only had one family member believe me because she went through the same thing herself and got diagnosed as an adult, but yk how many fucking people DID tell me it's just a flaw in my personality the way I am? Literal doctors telling me it's all in my head, that it's psychosomatic and that I just need to suck it up and get adjusted to life. They never saw me struggling as a kid and think I'm just a failure to launch. I certainly feel like a failure to launch now.
My graduation was delayed due to my fucking-it-up and I still don't know what I want to do as a career. I still have some of my whimsy I did when I was a kid that everything seemed tempting and everything had this breath of life in it though. Money is tight and I can't see myself ever holding down a career AND kids at the same time. The way the world is set up there just is not enough time and human energy to do everything at once. But I see these superhuman people occasionally that somehow manage to do it all and more and I can barely hold down two classes, trying to help my family financially but with no extra responsibilities like my own rent and kids. I can barely fucking do it. Idk. It seriously feels like a personality flaw my aversion to responsibilities and keeping up with shit. I can't be arsed to lock myself in to the grind of life.
I wish I could just go on a month long vacation and absolutely reset but with the way I am so terrible with money combined with the fact it is currently too expensive to live in a cardboard box in our economy that is a pipedream. Spontaneous shit is for the rich and people without anything on their plate, apparently?? What if I just wanted to pack up and GO one day. Nope