Permanoia
Writing this on a throwaway for reasons that are going to be unfortunately quite obvious is a minute. I wanted to try my best not to make this a sob story but theres just way too much pivotal information on this. I'll try my best but here is what I have to share
When I was 12 and stupid many years ago I did some stuff on the internet I probably knew better than to. My time growing up was questionable at best. A fake rape allegation left me traumatized and towards the end of that I was groomed on the internet for years worst case scenario. My perpetrator lured me into a very spiteful, vindictive, and violent tension with his much hated enemy. I harassed him and some other affiliates for a long time and at the height of it all I was carving their names into myself, trying to leak their info any way I could, and dumping Nazi propaganda in their communities.
I have never been a hateful person. My family is Christian and we know a number of people of semitic origin, all nice. I have no liking of any such ideology at all. I did what I was manipulated into and had some kind of comprehensive grasp that Nazis were really bad guys and not just in my video games. (I don't think personally there is a strong correlation between video games and violence, this is just a reference point.)
I definitely had it coming but I got doxxed, or at least in theory. No caller IDs and strange emails poured in, threats of swatting. None of this information should have been available publicly. My phone started glitching out hard, messages wouldnt send, etc . I teamed up with alt right leaning groups on the internet who did similar things to me but also a little too far by acting in real life by putting up stickers or equally "harmless" trolls.
It freaked me out and I wanted to kms but it eventually stopped and I changed my number shortly after. I eventually moved and tried to resume abnormal life. I've had a fix on true crime and investigative studies for a long time and it's primarily driven by a dream job but this line of work extends to covering mass causality and shooting events.
The thought of and the fact there's semi viable proof that I might have landed on a watchlist haunts me to this day. I never want anyone to fear me and I hate considering I might be a suspect God forbid anything as horrific occur near where I frequent. My appearance is unusual as it is and being often unkempt as a result of having schizo just isn't a good look. I wear long sleeves and pants even though I have been clean for years now. My mannerisms can be suspicious even though they're meaningless. I was suicidal but nothing else at all. I'd never do evil and I havent had "voices" tell me to "do anything"
I had a difficult time in high school. I took my anger out on property, namely electronics to steal and destroy it or sell. I had so much at one point one might consider I was crafting a bomb. I cut myself and drank several times at school, once severely and I got caught. I have persisting substance use and once I tried desperately to get someone else's psych meds to get off and it's getting worse
Don't know what to do. My outbursts, irritability, etc mostly are only after a relapse but I hate myself for it