lost it all again
Tonight I lost my meager savings to online slots (again). I'm 26F, I'm a waitress. I work long hours on my feet for the money I make, and it's not a lot. My parents both died when I was a teenager and I never pursued further education beyond high school. I don't really have any close friends or family members.
The dive bar I work at has slot machines along the bar. A few years ago I began playing $20 here and there on the machines. I hit big a few times and have been hooked ever since. I make most of my money in cash so it's very easy to finish a shift and put my earnings in. This quickly developed into a real problem for me because night after night, as gambling became a habit for me, I would willingly risk my income on the machines. I would manage to go a few days without playing, but sure enough after my shift I would find myself back in a bar stool playing again, not caring that the bartender could literally hear the machine processing the large amounts of cash I was putting in. I would work a shift and hear that somebody else played on the machines and hit for a large amount and get FOMO, I guess. This has been a problem for years for me and I've experienced a lot of shame and guilt because of my inability to control myself.
The machines at my job are very old so they were recently removed. I thought this would be a good thing in my life, and quickly solve the problem. But I still had the urge to gamble. I'm sure everybody's seen the stupid AI ads for online slots. I see them on Tubi, while playing games, and youtube. Well I was dumb enough to download them and (shocker) lose large amounts of money at a time. The slots would give me enough to want to keep playing, but at no point was I ever "up" significantly. And even if I had been, I would have put it back in and continued to play.
Recently, in the past few months, I've been managing my addiction well. I went two months without gambling at all, but it was all for naught because tonight I played the only $1000 to my name and lost it all again. And if I hadn't, I would have at another point. I've probably lost over $25000 since this all started.
I guess I'm just posting about this solely for expression, because I'm so ashamed of myself that I can't bring myself to talk to anybody about it. I hate myself. I have ruined my life over and over again struggling and failing to keep this addiction in check. I really want to change this time, but I doubt that I can or ever will. Today is day 1 again. I hope I can at least make it to two months again, or last longer than a week this time. I'm putting myself in a situation where I am living paycheck to paycheck.