I'm a sex/porn addict and I need help or resources
I just turned 23, and I am at point in my life where I'm just tired. My porn consumption started when I was 12, then continued on as I kept going through more life. My mother died when I was 13 and had to leave my abusive father when I was 9. I developed somewhat of a dependency on porn after my mother's death. I have had to move thru many different countries since then and I finally ended up in the US for college where Im able to take advantage of the opportunities here.
I started realizing that I really like and naturally understand science, on top of all, I love people. So I pursued pre-med route throughout my undergrad career and now I'm applying to med school in America. However, I'm really tired of my past and my story, I almost feel like a functioning alcoholic but instead of the alcohol it's women and pornography. Like I'm a bird flying over storming clouds unaware of the future consequences of sleeping with women and consuming porn everyday. What pushed me to feel so tired is that I really like a girl and it's been going well, but I keep being so hard on myself about whether I would be able to be faithful to her in the future. I feel inhibited by my own thoughts.
Im gonna be working in healthcare as I'm applying to med school, I still am seeing a girl I met at a bar a month ago and I don't know if I wanna end things despite the shame I carry each time we do things. I've been thinking of seeing a psychiatrist, but I don't know if I can afford treatment or anything further. I'm tired of feeling shitty all the time.
Recently, I even had a thought that maybe getting an STD from one of the women I've been sleeping with can end this pursuit of lust and pornography. I wanna make it clear that I am not suicidal and would never consider it because I have a lot of love to give for the people in my future, it's just thoughts.