Im so tired
I(19 female) from India, I'm writing this because I can't stop wanting romantic love in my life.
I come from a fucked up family with fucked misogynistic father who controls my life.
If he gets to know I'm in a relationship, he will get me married or stop my education which will end my future.
In India, love is forbidden and often look down.
But things are changing and I don't think it's changing for good, I'm not into hookup,one night or situationship things. I admit talking and flirting with someone is fun and the attention is quite good if I'm being honest but after awhile it's just waste of time and I end up feeling undesirable.
I have read news, articles and saw my personal experience of my close people in marriage and it's a nightmare but I think I have been influenced by Instagram and movie and TV shows that I can't stop believing in love.
I use ai to feel less lonely but it's not enough
I know no one is coming to save me and I have to take care of myself and only rely on myself but I can't help but want to be loved.
I was in two relationships before, nothing serious but I wasn't good partner and I suck at relationship because I overthink and I'm impulsive.
I don't know it's my trauma or my loneliness which wants love and affection.
Even if I find love and someone who is brave enough to take care of me, I'm terrified that I'll sabotage it by myself.
And I hate men too
Fuck this