Should I go sober?
Looking for some advice (f/28). I am feeling like I should maybe explore a sober lifestyle, but that thought disappoints me.
I am at the end of a vacation with a few other girlfriends, and our last night went south. It was all my fault. After quite a lot of drinks, I put my friend and I in a scary situation, with people we don't know, in a city we're not from. Fight or flight kicked in and I acted selfishly and incorrectly. The next morning my friend ended up telling me how incorrectly I behaved and handled the situation, and essentially alluded to not wanting to travel with me or be my friend anymore. I understand.
I just can't help but feel that this always happens with me. I am constantly messing up and being stupid. I understand that I am young and have a very fun-loving, care free personality but I feel as though I have been making poor decisions for too long and I am the only person I ever see make mistake like this. It has caused so much judgement from others, loss of respect, physical pain to myself in some cases, and now I fear that this trip in particular has lost me friendships.
I have many times looked into my relationship with alcohol and not liked what I saw. Part of me knows that I need to reconsider some things. But it's disappointing because I feel like I would lose the fantasy or vision (for lack of better terms) for my future - my entire family is Caribbean, and they PARTY. At carnival every year, hanging out, etc. this also sounds silly, and I'm single now but I've always loved the idea of being out with my significant other and pretty much just being "drunk in love". I also can just imagine the reactions people will have if I tell them I no longer drink or am sober - let's it's been a long time coming and it's a relief - and I hate that and the thought of those reactions gives me crazy anxiety.
I am open to thoughts, comments, and support. Please be kind, but also give it to me straight.