u/BinkKitik

“I’m fine”

“There’s nothing wrong with me”

“You took away my freedom”

“You come here and I’ll have the freedom you have”

“You’re the only person who can get me out of here”

“Everyone here is old and forgets things, I’m not like them”

“This is just what happens when you get old”

This is all I hear lately from my mom in memory care. (She transitioned there from AL in mid July.) I know it’s the disease and anosognosia and have been working with a therapist for how to deal with the anger and looping. But before I can even change rhe subject, she hangs up on me. I’ve been avoiding her calls because it feels pointless to talk or visit when she’s so angry. And she makes ME feel gaslit.

Not really looking for advice, just needed to vent.

Since my mom has moved to memory care, she’s gone through a rotating list of things she’s angry at me about. The script is always the same: she calls to ask me if I did XYZ, I either say no or try to explain myself, she interjects and calls me a liar/says other awful things to me, then hangs up. I have no chance to interrupt and change the subject, no chance to use any of the strategies I’ve learned in therapy. I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to answer phone calls from her because they are always her yelling at me. I can’t even count the number of times she’s said to never talk to her again or she’s done with me. I’m her only daughter and therefore I get the brunt of her wrath.

I know it’s the dementia, I know it’s not really her saying these things, but darn it, it’s hard not to internalize it all. I’m getting better at it (thanks, therapy!), and trying to morbidly laugh and guess what she’ll be mad at me for next. (Currently, she’s mad I allegedly told her family they couldn’t visit her. Which they supposedly told her… while they were visiting her. Make it make sense!) I have reached the point in my life (mid 40s) where I am no longer putting up with unnecessary drama and cutting toxic people out of my life. But I can’t cut my mother out of my life. It’s the disease. I know this. But gah, I just want to scream sometimes. I’m sick of being the bad guy.

I posted recently about family threatening me with elder care abuse claims after moving my mom to memory care and them disagreeing with my decision. Since then I’ve spoken to an attorney who reassured me that I have the law on my side. I received updates from the memory care staff about my mom participating in activities and adjusting okay. I spoke to her on the phone last week and finally visited her again today. (I happened to be on a pre-scheduled vacation when she moved, which staff said was a good thing on my part.) She was very happy to see her grandson but not so much about me. She kept asking why I didn’t tell her she was moving, claiming she didn’t believe she would leave the facility in the middle of the night, saying how well her family has treated her and angry that I dumped her there. She also questioned if I blocked her incoming calls. (I am assuming her family told her they couldn’t get through. How does she remember THAT but not my husband’s name and that we’ve been married for 13 years??) I kept reassuring her that I was trying to make the best choices for her and keep her safe. I didn’t stay long, but we hugged and it seemed like she was trying to be understanding of her being in memory care.

Then, tonight, she called me and started asking me questions about her house and how I’ve been handling her affairs and claiming I’m misusing her power of attorney. I know she would not come up with this stuff in her own, and to no surprise, she mentioned having spoken to her cousin and her cousin telling her things I’ve done. I tried not to engage but it was hard not to defend myself. It infuriates me that they continue to talk to her about things like finances, her medical care, her living situation, etc when they’ve been informed that it upsets her and she no longer has the cognitive ability to comprehend them. Meanwhile, I’ve remained mostly silent because I don’t want to upset her.

I emailed a family member last week and said these conversations and accusations about me have to stop or I’m going to have to abide by the staff recommendation to cut off contact. That was last week and obviously they didn’t listen at all. The same family member visited my mom on Monday and got angry that he couldn’t take her out. He was trying to talk bad about me and the wellness director was defending me. While this was going on, my mom interjected with a nonsense story about me talking to her PE teacher on the roof, and that’s why she’s in memory care. Apparently he got kind of quiet and the WD asked, “now do you see why she’s here?” I had hoped that would be a wake-up call for them, but apparently it was not.

I feel like I have three choices. 1) maintain the status quo, which is not sustainable. 2) give up and sign over care to her family. I won’t have to deal with them anymore and won’t be screamed at by my mother, but I’ll probably never be able to speak to her again and won’t ever forgive myself. 3) cut them off. She will ask why they haven’t visited or called and will most assuredly blame me for it, and probably hate me for as long as she remembers. Which, why even be here, then?

All the choices seem horrible. I know one of them is the best one. But god, it is so hard.

My mom has been in cognitive decline for several years. Late last year she finally moved to an assisted living close to me after leaving her house late at night. I am her only child and have POA, healthcare proxy, and am settler of her trust. She has extended family she used to live close to. They visit and and call and I kept them updated about my mom's care, since she was increasingly unreliable.

They have always disagreed with my decisions, but eventually agreed that moving to her assisted living near me was a good one. This all changed recently when the recommendation came to move my mom to memory care. Staff had been documenting her decline, and she had several exams and cognitive evaluations to ensure this was the right decision. Most importantly, she was a flight risk and her hallucinations were increasing.

I reached out to her family and told them this. I informed them when she would be moving, why the decision was necessary, etc. etc. They told me it was the wrong decision and she did not need memory care. They threw around accusations of elder abuse and locking up my mom for no reason. This has increased to the point where family members are visiting the facility, upsetting my mom, and demanding to know things about my care. I also received threatening texts and voicemails.

The staff has been extremely helpful, defends my involvement, and has been documenting everything. They explained to her family that they could not move my mom to memory care without multiple recommendations from doctors and cognitive exams. Staff is now recommending I ban them from seeing/speaking to my mother, as it upsets her for hours/days afterward. Otherwise, she has been acclimating well.

To make matters worse, my mom became irate with me a few weeks ago, around the time staff informed me she should move to memory care. Nothing happened between us to make my mom so angry at me. (I did not mention memory care to her.) She just started screaming at me one day when I called her. When I visited her to try to clear the air, she yelled at me about things that happened years ago, or never happened at all. I tried to explain all of this to her family, but they believed her claims of neglect and mistreatment, and then the threats to report me started. Now, I believe her family is the reason she has been refusing to speak to me, because they are saying untrue things about me and how I don't love her or treat her right. They are trying to convince my mother to alter her legal documents (she cannot cognitively do this) and move her back to her old town near them.

I am so incredibly frustrated and angry and saddened by this entire situation. Her entire family is against me. Thankfully, my husband and his family are very supportive, and I know legally I will be fine. Mostly, I just miss my mom. Thanks for listening.