Worried about ruining things (long)
I am not a celiac, however my partner is. We have been living together since last September. I still eat gluten outside of the house, but the house is a designated gluten-free zone and I respect that rule. I’ve never knowingly brought any glutened food in the house. When I do eat outside of the house, I will brush, floss, use a water flosser, rinse with alcohol mouthwash, and wash my face/arms, and change clothes if I ate something crumbly. We don’t really kiss or anything so this is a good arrangement so far and we have been fortunate to not have any incidents.
This was a few weeks back, when they accidentally ate after me and I forgot to warn them because I didn’t know they were going to take a bite. I had just gotten home, so I hadn’t had time to brush my teeth and everything.
flash forward. I went to 4th of july with my family yesterday where I had spaghetti. I came home and washed my mouth out, showered, etc but skipped the water flosser since it has been a bit since I’ve cleaned it. While we were hanging out last night, I accidentally spit while I was talking, and a bit of it flew in their mouth. They disclosed to me this morning that it really upset them; that I will not do every step in the cleaning process or not do it immediately after I get home.
Since moving in I have only caused an accidental exposure twice, which I felt like was a good track record all things considered, but they told me that they’ve been having problems since last fall when I wanted to get a piece of cake at the store cafe. You eat it in the store so I thought it would be fine, but they begged me not to and when I expressed confusion/asked them to explain since we weren‘t at home they began to cry and I felt awful. I didn‘t know what to say or do. I’ve eaten in front of them before while we weren’t at home or while we were at a state park; they disclosed that it was because we had taken their car which made sense to me would be like an extension of the house, so I promised I wouldn’t eat gluten if we went somewhere in their car.
I really just want to know if there’s anything else I should do or say to convey that I do care about them. I feel really bad and have said as much, but I feel terrible for not being able to empathize with them and they have expressed that it damages their mental health because they feel like they are a burden and say things like “oh well I guess they don’t care, that’s it, kms” which is distressing to hear and I don’t know how to express that this isn’t how I feel about them (they have OCD if that helps; they are medicated and go to therapy).
I miss feeling like someone reliable to them. I want to be reliable to them. I thought I was doing that since we’ve only had one incident in almost a year with the eating-after thing, but apparently I have been causing problems. I think they think that I like gluten more than I care about them. I am moving my tooth brushing stuff to the downstairs bathroom to make it easier to do as soon as I walk in. Maybe it was my mistake thinking it was enough to do most of the cleansing steps and not all, I know it’s like radiation, but I guess that‘s why I’m asking. i didn’t break the rules about keeping gluten out of the house and washing up, but should I be doing more? I feel terrible that they didn’t feel like they could tell me for so long. Included screenshot of what I told them after they left for work this morning
I just don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to have to move out and I feel like theyre secretly fed up with me especially when I don’t hear about something upsetting them until months after the fact. I’m not even sure how I’ll bring up having posted this since they take things so hard when they feel like they’ve been too vulnerable or said too much. I just want them to trust me and I don’t know what to do because I’m already practically on the same diet as them save for if I go out with family or eat when I have a long shift. I can tell my car makes them uncomfortable as well since I don’t wipe it with alcohol wipes like they’ve told me to in the past; I used to have a pack of alcohol wipes but I lost them and keep forgetting to get more. I can tell this also makes them upset since they don’t understand how I can forget if I care. To be honest, I don’t have an answer for that one either. I am worried about being selfish in this way.
They have BPD ontop of the celiacs, ocd, etc and I just want to know if there are any bpd/ocd celiacs here who can weigh in on what they think my partner needs from me. I feel like I’m going to push them away. I just want to fix whatever I’m doing wrong. They told me that at some point if you get exposed enough you will get bowel cancer, and they sounded very hurt that I forget that at times. I feel bad too. I don;t know what to do to be the most effective apology because I didn’t know I was messing up. Sorry for the long post I was tryng to cover every angle of what happened to try and cover any blind spots i might have.
Also, please no relationship advice. I am not looking to end this relationship or anything before anyone comments something of the nature. I am only asking for advice as to what I could say or how they might be feeling and what I can do to make them feel heard and loved.
