u/Bishoppairfromhell

Getting Your Ex From No Contact to Meeting Up

There are a lot of people whose exes have reached out, which is always a positive step, and they're wondering, "What should I say? What should I do?" and of course, "Have I already done the wrong thing?"

Before we proceed, please make sure to read Part 1 here : https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/wkIyTiOZgw

So, we're gonna cover how to get your ex from no contact to meeting up.

First off, let me establish that your ex must initiate contact with you, if they are the ones who broke up with you. A lot of people will make the argument that if you don't contact your ex, then they're just gonna move on and forget about you. Well, this is a fear-based argument, and in reality, you wouldn't be satisfied in a relationship in which your ex had to contribute, I don't know, the bare bloody minimum. I mean, getting a text from your ex, having them initiate any sort of contact, is the bare minimum you could possibly expect from someone else. But a lot of people will suggest that you couldn't even expect that.

The reality is that you would be a lot more anxious in a relationship in which you just chased and pursued and manipulated your way back into. You need the other person to contact you because that way it rebalances the power and interest levels, and it psychologically demonstrates that they are open to conversation, which a lot of the time they're not going to be if you start approaching them. They're going to resist any sort of contact that you push onto them because they're the one that asked to end the relationship.

So, you need them to contact you, not just for them, but for you to be satisfied moving forward. Because otherwise, you're quite simply not going to accept that that's not a good enough standard for you to still pursue someone, them not even contacting you once after kicking you out of their life? Not good enough for you!

The mindset you need to have before your ex contacts you essentially is the reminder that the joy and happiness you felt in that relationship came from inside you, not from them. You do not need your ex; they are just an option in your future, not a priority. You need to tell yourself that you are dissatisfied with what has just happened and that, either way, you deserve better in the future. That way, either your ex returns as a better option and you get a better relationship, or you're going to find someone better, in which case you get a better relationship in the future. But this whole situation, this anxiety spiral at this breakup, this is not good enough for you. So, you are very content to move forward safe in the knowledge that your life is going to get better one way or the other.

Now then, after a period of no contact: tada! It's amazing, you've suddenly got this text! They're asking how you are or something about a mutual friend—who knows what it is. The point is, they're reaching out to you. They're fully aware they haven't contacted you in however long it's been, and you used to be in contact all the time. It wasn't a mistake. They're aware they're in communication with you, and they're anxious about how it's going to go.

So in this case, there are two things that you need to avoid: the past and pressure.

1. The Past

A lot of the time, people hear from their ex and they instantly resort to talking about the past. But the past is your enemy in these situations, because in the past, there is a failed relationship, there is a breakup back there. There is no need for you to talk about the past. This goes double for when people bring up the breakup. It's like, wow, you've had all this time apart to gain perspective and reflect on what's happened and grow as two individuals, and the moment that you get back in contact, what do you do? "Hey, let's continue that breakup argument! I was loving it!"

My friends, you need to stay away from the past; it is not your friend. You want to be talking in the present and future tense, and that way the past will seem more irrelevant when you're living in the moving present tense. So, by talking in this tense, you are demonstrating that is the tense that you are living in. A lot of us struggle to communicate with different individuals based on the tense they live in. You could probably apply this to even friends of yours- you can think about what tense people live in. Some people live in the present.

Well, in this case, you want your ex to be joining in on living in the present tense, because the present and the future are the only things that matter for your relationship together anymore. You're going to talk about what's happening to you currently in your life and what the great things that are coming up in your life that you're excited about are. But you don't go back and start rehashing the past, or talking about old memories, or how sad you've been, or anything that sounds like it's reading from the same script as the breakup. Otherwise, they will reprise the role of the breaker-upper, and they will get used to that dynamic and it will cement them in that position. You want all that dialogue from that breakup to seem forgotten, brushed under the rug of the hysteria of the breakup.

2. Pressure

Now, what do I mean by pressure? Well, a lot of the time when people are in conversations with their ex, they want to instantly start talking about getting back together. When people do this, what they're doing is they're projecting their anxieties onto their ex. They're thinking, "I know what I want. I don't like us being apart. I want us to get back to a relationship." But you have to remember, this other person has walked away from that relationship, which by definition means that they needed space from that relationship. They needed more distance, so they want to be free and independent.

And here you are trying to lock them down back into a commitment. And if you're not trying to lock them into a commitment, a lot of people get very pushy about meeting up, and that's gonna add more pressure and they're gonna pull away from that. It's gonna be their natural instinct to pull away if you start applying pressure, and they'll also leave that exchange thinking it was a mistake to contact you. "You're still living in the past, you're still trying to lock me down," and it's less likely they're going to contact you again, because that way they're associating every time they contact you with delving back into that past and experiencing the breakup again, which is painful for everyone involved.

So, you don't want to apply pressure to the situation because you have to remember, as we said, you don't need your ex. You have many options out there, so you should be totally unfazed.

What to do instead:

Anyway, they've now contacted you, so what do you do? Well, you keep the conversation light and entertaining, you talk in the present and future tense, and you exchange little inside jokes together until the conversation hits a peak. So that's what you need to do: you need to gauge the temperature of the conversation, and when it's at its peak and everyone seems satisfied, that's when you ask them to meet up in person.

A lot of the mistakes I see are when people start getting anxious in the exchange. Let's say you're having an interaction with your ex and it's going averagely - they're kind of pulling away a little bit, and then what do you do? You panic, you get anxious, and you go, "Oh, time to just go all-in and ask them, 'Hey, do you want to meet up for drinks?'" Okay, well, this is obviously not the time to do that, because the conversation is already dying, or it's cold, or else it's only starting.

By the way, if the conversation isn't at a hot temperature and doesn't feel like both people are having a positive interaction, that is not the moment to ask them out. Because basically, what you're communicating that way is, "Hey, I know that we've run out of conversation, but want to meet up and run out of conversation in person?" Of course not!

So this way, if it's at a peak, it seems more like, "Hey, this is a lot of fun, why aren't we doing it in person?" and they're far more likely to say yes.

Assuming everything has gone well, they'll just meet up with you and there'll be no questions asked, and you can have a fun, positive interaction and see how you both feel. You have to remember, you're not going into this exchange with the hopes of winning your ex back. That's an unbalanced way of looking at the situation. You're going in to have a fun, positive exchange and see how you feel, because maybe the feeling's still there for both of you, but maybe one of you has lost feelings, and maybe that person is you. You don't know yet. You might be the person that ends up walking away from the situation not interested. And if you go in with that mindset, you're actually far more likely to have a positive interaction because you don't have high stakes or pressure on the situation for yourself either, which will lower your anxiety.

But a lot of the time, an ex will push back a little bit. Even if the conversation is going well, they're gonna test around a little bit and see where you are mentally. So usually, the first thing they'll ask is, "Are we meeting up just as friends?"

Now, a lot of people will refer back to when I say or other people say that you shouldn't accept friendship, and they'll instantly respond, "No, we'll never just be friends." And while I agree that rejecting friendship is the right move, for this moment, when they ask you if you're going just as friends, you need to create a little gray area in which you say, "Well look, we have too much chemistry to just be friends, but it would be great to catch up anyway."

Now, the reason that you say something like that in your own words is that way you're not accepting friendship-you're reminding them that the reason you're not accepting friendship is because you both get along too well, so that's still a positive interaction that you would be having—and then you're suggesting that what you're doing isn't a date; you're catching up.

And that will often be the follow-up question they'll ask you: "Are we meeting just as friends, and is this a date?" Now, a lot of people will start applying pressure in those moments, and they'll want to confirm that, "Yes, this is a date, and yes, I want there to be romance here, and yes, I want us to get back together." These are all pressurized mistakes proving that you're living in the past.

You need to apply no pressure whatsoever. This meetup is happening in a gray area. It's somewhere between a date and just friends hanging out, because the reality is, you don't know how you feel either. So that way, you're gonna put their mind at ease and they're far more likely to meet up with you, having already confirmed that you're not just friends because you have too much chemistry, but you're also not going on a date, because a date is too serious for two people that aren't really sure how they feel and are now meeting up kind of just to test the water and see how it goes.

So anyway, that's getting your ex from no contact to meeting up. The key is:

Do not bring up the breakup.

Talk in the present and future tense. Your life is a moving train that they can hop onboard.

Keep the conversation light and fun, and when it's at a peak, you ask them out.

If they push back at all, put their mind at ease. Confirm that you're never gonna just be friends, but that it's just going to be a fun meetup. Everyone can relax, and then when you get there, you can see how it feels.

At the end of the day, you are two people who used to be highly romantically linked, and now you're hanging out together, just the two of you, so anything could happen in that situation. But you don't want to make it seem as if you're forcing it to happen from a cold position, or that you think that you can negotiate something happening off the back of a breakup. If they've contacted you, the power is rebalanced. You can go into that exchange and see how you feel.

But in the meantime, just relax, remember you don't actually need your ex, and your life is going to be amazing with or without them. You don't need this person, and as long as you believe that, you won't act out of anxiety and you're going to perform a lot better in these situations.

Over and out

Alright, so you want the best advice possible for getting your ex back, and I am going to tell you what that is. Unfortunately, you're really going to hate me for telling you this: you need to NEVER contact this person again.

That is the no-contact rule that you've heard so much about, but the difference is that it's not 30 days. It's FOREVER. It's as long as it takes for this person to message or call you.

The reason you need this to happen is twofold. Number one, you need to demonstrate that you have too much dignity to chase someone that's okay with ditching you. Basically, you have to remember this person has proven themselves to be a bad boyfriend or girlfriend to the point that they have broken up with you. That's not really the type of person you want to go out with. And if they've broken up with you, they probably need a lot of time and space away from you. The worst thing you could do is chase them and smother them and cement the idea in their head that they can do better than you, which is not true.

If they were happy enough to get into the relationship and there was no huge, overwhelming reason to break up, then you're still equal to them. You can still come back into this relationship if you follow what I'm saying.

Otherwise, let me say, if you followed the 30-day no-contact rule that all of these people are advising you on YouTube right now-and don't forget to buy their action plan or sign up for their coaching-the reason that's bad advice is that they basically say to you: you need to walk away and become attractive and demonstrate your strength, dignity, and self-respect. This is all true. Then day 30 comes along, and they say, "Now I want you to undo all of that and go back to begging, pretty much."

Anything you do at this point is begging in a way. Obviously, there are degrees of how badly you can do it, but by reaching out to this person, you're still showing that you need them and that you want them back. You cannot let this person think that right now. Thirty days means nothing. It's not long enough. You need to leave this person forever and make them doubt the decision.

If you've done nothing ever since the breakup- not contacted them once- even better. Now they're stuck alone wondering what you're doing. Did they make the right choice? How are you this strong? You seem very attractive because now they know they shouldn't be contacting you. The longer it is, even more so. They're thinking, “I really shouldn't reach out at this point, but I'm so curious. What are they doing?”

And anyone they're seeing in the meantime is actually good news for you. It doesn't feel like it, unless you were dumped specifically for this person. But if they are dating someone new, you're just going to be compared to this new person. And then when they break up with this new person—because that's often what happens after a relationship; the quickest one afterwards just doesn't work out because they're not really ready to open their heart and soul to a new person—that new person may get dumped in a kind of irrational way. Then they'll act very crazy afterwards because they'll be thinking, “What the hell is with this? There was no rational reason. I deserve a rational reason.”

The more crazy they act, the better you look. That just cements the idea in your ex's head that you are a very strong, mature person. Now they're extra curious about what you're doing. Did you just go find someone else? Probably, is what they're thinking. Then, if they start imagining that you've probably got someone else, that's them thinking you're a very attractive person.

But if you chase after them and keep contacting them, they're not really going to think you found someone else because they know you're still on the bench waiting for them.

Everything you do in the meantime, if you contact them, communicates that you're on the bench waiting. You're not going to find someone else, you're not falling in love; you're just waiting for their attention to come back to you. That's a big mistake.

You need this person to sit down, search within themselves, and eventually feel desperate enough to contact you. That's right: desperate enough. If they do contact you, they want to see you. They need to know. They're like a drug addict bouncing off the walls in their head. They need to see you; they need to know what's going on. They're going crazy. It wasn't a spontaneous message of, “I wonder what my ex is up to. Seems like enough time has passed.” No. They have been thinking about you a lot, and you need that to happen.

Because if you follow this 30-day rule and it works—and maybe it will work to get them back initially—what happens is your ex's eyes have already wandered. They wanted to see if the grass was greener somewhere else. Then they were like, “Oh, this isn't ideal,” and you came back. They think, “Okay, that is the easiest option. Maybe I was being irrational.” But they didn't have to earn you back.

You have to remember you are a high-value person who needs to be earned. There has to be a price for this person walking away. They have to make a gesture to you. It's not about what massive gesture you can make; it's about what gesture they need to make to communicate to you that they are worth getting back with. Do not doubt your own value and power in this situation.

Now here's the second reason. Let's say you win this person back and you're in the relationship again after your 30 days or whatever it is. If you just begged and pleaded and got it back, now you are going into this relationship with a huge amount of insecurity. You're terrified this person is going to leave again. They left once, and now you're not acting like yourself. You're no longer authentic.

If you've been following some 30-day no-contact rule program, then you feel as if you need to follow this other person's advice. You're no longer yourself in this relationship. You're scared they're going to leave. And they're also thinking, “I didn't have to earn you back.” That is not the formula for a winning relationship, and you know it isn't.

So your best option—the best advice you can get for getting your ex back—is to do no contact. Make them doubt it, and do it as long as it takes. It doesn't mean, “Oh, it's been three months, four months, five months; now it should be okay for me to reach out.” No. This person has no value to you unless they reach out to you. They determine their value to your life by whether or not they contact you. Do not forget that.

You need to remember that you have value. If this person doesn't want to see you—which is probably the case if they're not contacting you—then to hell with them. You just keep moving on. You date more people. You get your own strength back and realize that you're a great person to be around. You don't mind being alone. You have a great time dating other people. You have a great time working on yourself and working on your career. This person was just the cherry on top, and that will become clear when you start getting perspective.

If they do contact you, then you'll know they want you back. If they don't, then you know they don't want you back. But the good news is that by engaging in no contact, they're going to contact you. It might take a long time, but they're going to contact you if you don't embarrass yourself and don't give them a reason to feel scared to contact you. They're going to be so curious about how the hell you walked away.

Especially if they're a very attractive person who's used to having messy breakups where the ex never leaves them alone and is always reaching out, that's even better. Now you're proving you're different, and it's going to get to them. They're going to doubt their decision, and you're going to seem more and more attractive in their eyes because, how the hell have you just walked away and never looked back? That means you must be equal to them—or better than them. That's what they're thinking.

So don't worry. They're going to suffer from this breakup too, but it's going to be different. Your suffering was up front; theirs is later, when the doubt comes and they start thinking about you more. But that will not happen if you keep contacting them.

If you keep contacting them, they're going to stay in the same position of power. They're never going to doubt their decision. They're just going to start feeling bad for you, and feeling sorry for someone is not attractive. You're going to look like a homeless person begging or pleading. Does it ever look like, “Wow, I need to engage with this person”? No. It's not an attractive position.

I know that sounded harsh, but you need to show this person that you're strong and capable, that you're attractive, and that you know you're going to be fine without them—because you were fine before.

That is the way they'll come back. They know you. They know you loved them. They're going to wonder if you still do. They know the relationship can work unless there's a huge reason that it can't, like if you went off and cheated or something like that—in which case you need to reflect on whether or not you're ready to be in a relationship, frankly.

But in the meantime, just stay strong. Do nothing. Don't wait for the text or the call. It will come when you least expect it, when they're going fully crazy. Once they lose the ability to expect you to contact them, they're going to want to even more.

But in the freak occurrence that they just don't—and I'd say this works about 70% of the time—then you need to be aware that there was nothing you could do. Contacting this person was never going to help. They're actually okay with never seeing you again. Think about that. Why do you want that person back if they don't even want to talk to you or ask how you're doing? Why would you want this person back? They're useless to your life.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Demonstrate self-love, and soon enough you won't care about these petty things that have happened. If this person isn't contacting you, they're not worth contacting.

The relationship will only work if they contact you. That way, you can feel as if they had to come back with their tail between their legs and that you demonstrated you're capable—not only to them, but to yourself—of living your life, being okay on your own, and finding other people, which you definitely can do.

So don't worry. Either way, it's never fully over unless they're married, I suppose, or we're dead. Once that door has been opened, it might be closed now, but it can always be reopened. Don't doubt it.

That person will contact you, and when they do, you have to be aware that they're not contacting you for no reason. You are not a random friend. You are not a stranger. They're contacting you because you have a romantic history together and they want to see you, so don't panic. It's all going to be fine.

But for the moment, don't even waste your time thinking about them. As I said, they currently have no value to your life, and if they want some value, they can contact you. In the meantime, go back to being your beautiful, brave, confident self, and everything will fall into place. Trust me on that.