u/BisonHot9182

This is kind of a long one as it spans over a few years so bear with me please.

I 30F have a 3 year old daughter with my husband 37M (I’ll call him J)as well as a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. I have not had contact with my husband’s family since my daughter was 6 months old due to a fall out with MIL.
I have always felt disrespected by my husband’s family but I reached my limit around 6 months postpartum. When I got pregnant with my daughter it was very early in mine and my husband’s relationship. I had never met his mother or his family. When J told his mother I was pregnant she was very upset and wanted to keep it from the rest of his family until she came to terms with it. During my entire pregnancy she never made any effort to meet me or form any kind of relationship. I actually did not meet her or any other members of his family until the day of my baby shower. After that I did not see them again until the day I gave birth. After my daughter was born MIL insisted on us bringing the baby to her home (about 45 minutes away) less than 2 weeks after I had given birth. I agreed to make everyone else more comfortable. While at this visit I was pretty much treated like a surrogate who was only still around to feed the baby. When I had to pump I was heavily pressured by MIL to leave my baby with her while I went up stairs into a bedroom alone to pump. I did not feel comfortable with this as she was essentially a stranger to me. However my husband assured me he would stay in the same room as our daughter so I eventually agreed.

After that for the most part MIL was fine with the exception of a few disrespectful comments that I let go for the sake of peace. She would call me crazy and over protective because of rules I had for the baby. She would ask my husband “where did you find this one” but would try to pass it off as joke. She made comments about how it frustrated her that we didn’t visit more, even tho it was during the school year and my son also has hockey 4 nights a week. She knew that this all made it difficult to travel 45 minutes for a visit. She also knew that she was more than welcome to come to our home to see the baby but rarely did. Her passive aggressive comments were so blatant that my 14 year old son noticed.

At around 4 months postpartum we celebrated Christmas Eve at MIL home. This was when her attitude and disrespect became too much for me to ignore anymore. She refused to speak directly to me and would tell my husband or SIL to take the baby from me to bring to her. She loudly and in-front of everyone accused me of “taking her son from her.” She said things about my home that were out of context and came across as tho she was trying to embarrass me. Then she called my husband the next day to tell him she was angry with me for being lazy and making him do everything. This hurt but also had me dumbfounded. The only thing he did was install the car seat in the uber and carry all of our bags/presents to the car with the help of our son. I changed every diaper/outfit. Fed every bottle. Tried to help clean up after dinner. And I am the one who stayed in a bedroom for 2 hours alone with our daughter while she napped. My husband and I literally made the agreement that I would do majority of child care so he could spend time with his family and the next day while we were celebrating with my family he would take on most of the child care.

After that I told my husband I wasn’t going to put up with the disrespect from MIL anymore and that I was
done making the effort. Up to that point every visit with MIL was planned by me, every picture she received was sent by me and every phone call was initiated by me. From that point forward communication with his family was at his discretion. As I’m sure you can guess this became a problem because the frequent contact she was used to changed to about half that.

Then at around 6 months postpartum is when everything blew up. MIL called my husband and spent the hour long phone call absolutely ripping me to shreds. My husband allowed me to listen to the phone call without my MIL being aware. MIL told my husband that I baby trapped him and to be careful before I did it again, that myself and my family have no morals because we aren’t religious. She said I was using him for his money. We literally work the same job and make the same hourly. She told him I was an irresponsible mother who bought things for the kids they don’t need.(because I bought a mini crib not a full sized one) she claimed I’m irresponsible with money even though she has no way of knowing my spending habits.

Then the straight up lies started. She claimed that I called my husband a “cheapskate” and told her that her family weren’t good enough to be god parents to our daughter. My husband knew none of this was true as we’ve had conversations about these topics in the past. When J defended me she lost her mind.

After the phone call I sent MIL a message saying I didn’t appreciate the way she was speaking about me or the lies she was telling my husband. I asked her to stop trying to create conflict in my relationship and to think about how that could affect our kids. The message was not well received and she lost it on J for allowing me to hear the conversation they had. That told me all I needed to know. She didn’t see her behaviour as the problem but me finding out about it as the problem. After this I decided to take a step back from MIL and give everyone a chance to calm down.

MIL used this time to become full blown crazy. She showed up at J’s work to tell him he needed to leave me and the kids. She told her whole family J had cut her off and that I destroyed their relationship. She contacted J’s friends to try and isolate him even further. She would send J very manipulative messages about how no one will ever love him like a mother. She convinced his whole family to stop speaking to him till he “put me in my place.” J’S family didn’t even show up to our daughter’s first birthday. Instead they all jumped on a group chat to attack him. J was understandably hurt and confused by the way we were both being treated and made the decision to go no contact with his family.

Unfortunately about a year later his grandmother passed away very suddenly. This was unbelievably hard on my husband but also on my MIL. Due to this tragedy they started speaking again and have maintained a low contact relationship since. However his mother had never apologized for her actions or words and she still tried to manipulate and guilt trip him. I am supportive of J having a relationship with his mom as she is older and I don’t want him to have any regrets.

However I don’t intend to ever have a relationship with her or have her around my children. She created this situation and now has to live with the consequences. She spoke poorly about my son( I won’t repeat it) that is something that is 100% unforgivable to me. I am fiercely protective of my kids. She also was absent from my daughter life for 2.5 years because she couldn’t swallow her pride and apologize or have a conversation. As far as I am concerned she is a stranger to me and my kids and will remain so. I am happy my husband is able to maintain a relationship with her that has some boundaries set but me and the kids don’t need to be a part of that.

Recently my husband and I found out that we are expecting our third baby and are overjoyed. However my husband asked if he was able to make his mom see the hurt she caused and was apologetic if I would be willing to reconcile with her. Or if he could set up a meeting with her and I to try and find a resolution. I told him no. At this point I am no longer angry but hurt on behalf of my children and frustrated at her continued attempts to manipulate him. I also firmly believe that our existing children should have been enough to make her rethink and change her behaviour. He told me he understood and respected my choice but I know that his family not being in our children’s lives hurts him. J and my father are very close and he told my dad that he would really love for us to have a relationship with his mom if she was willing to change her behaviour and apologize. However he also told my father that he would never try to make me forgive the things MIL did and said if I wasn’t ready. I love my husband and feel awful knowing this is still causing him pain. I just am not at a place where I am willing to forgive. So AITAH for not being willing to even have a conversation with MIL.