I lost someone very important to me
This is my first time asking for advice on social media. And english is not my first language,
pls i need someone to put me in any track i dont know what to do,I don't have any role models to ask for advice.
(m21)
I met a wonderful person last year. We were friends, everything was going well, he aways wanted to spending time with me, we always did things together, we always supported each other.
I started developing feelings for him, and when I like someone I end up putting them under a microscope, and anything they do dictates my mood. I was always worried about whether he was okay, and if he didn't like me, so I thought that the more I showed him how much I loved him, the greater the chances of him seeing it and starting to like me.
I was so afraid he wouldn't like me, so I tried to compensate by showming how much i loved him. One day I couldn't hold back my feelings anymore and confessed to him.
He refused, he said he already suspected I liked him. At that moment, I apologized and said I would distance myself so as not to make him uncomfortable having me around him
And he insisted that I stay, he really enjoyed spending time with me, he valued my friendship and didn't want to lose it, I loved him very much, and I didn't want to lose his friendship either, so I decided That I would stay. And I wouldn't let him lose a friend.
But that was harder than I thought; my feelings of love for him were very strong, and so was the sadness that it hadn't worked out, but I was suppressing all of that to continue the friendship and Don't worry him.
Then he explained to me that I was a nice person, and that he thought I was handsome, the only problem was that I was very suffocating.
When I heard that, I thought I had a chance, that if I improved, he might like me, so I tried to change, but in the end I couldn't.
It got to a point where he ran out of patience and decided to end the friendship. He couldn't stand me being too much anymore, and he saw that it wasn't going to change. He said he tried to continue the friendship for a long time out of pity, but that he couldn't see me as a friend anymore.
Seeing the boy, who insisted on spending time with me, saying that, really broke me.
obviously, that was going to happen. I really tried to change during our friendship, I thought I was changing, but in the end I guess I didn't change or the change was too small, but I really tried.
I apologized profusely and said I would change. But there was nothing I could do, he was really decided that he didn't want to be my friend anymore. I later found out that he was sad about that decision for a few days. He didn't want to block me, and left it open that we could be friends again in the future.
We both said things to each other that weren't very nice. I know he didn't mean them; we were both going through a lot of emotions at the time.
I blocked him because I was very hurt by what he said in the heat of the moment, and I didn't want to accept that the blame for losing someone I loved so much was mine.
So in my head I tried to convince myself that he was the one in the wrong, but obviously I didn't believe it in that, and as time went on it became harder to lie to myself.
I want to change, I didn't want to be like this, I didn't want to cause stress to him, I don't know why, I don't know how to deal with people or my own mind, it's very sad and I do these things unintentionally but even so I do it, I don't know why.
I really want to get back with him, to rekindle our friendship. I want to spend time with him again, and I want to apologize properly for everything.
I'm trying to change, but even today I feel that after so much effort I'm still the same. I want to try talking to him, but only when I've changed these problems of mine. I don't want to cause any more trouble.
I know that change takes time, but I'm worried that if I take too long, I might lose him forever. I don't know what to do. I wish I had a family to guide me; I'm very lost In this world, I don't know what to do. I also dont wanna take too long to apologize to him Because I feel that if too much time passes, it will lose its importance.
I know that i might be not a good person but i want to change, But it seems like I'm just going in circles.I know I have to love myself so that I don't depend so much on the validation of others, and that way I wouldn't be suffocating.But I can't love myself after what happend.
I'm afraid he'll forget about me, that he'll find other, cooler people and make new friends.I feel that if I don't change quickly enough, he'll have no reason to be my friend again, that he'll only remember the stress And not the good moments of our friendship. But at the same time, I feel that if I sent a message today, it would have the same effect.
It's not like I don't want him to have new friends, I'm just saying what I feel in my head. I want him to make many friends and be happy, but I didn't want to be forgotten, and I wanted to make him happy too, I don't want to lose him forever.
I don't know how to organize my thoughts, I just know that I want to change, and that I want to go back to him, I still love him, it's been 7 months since we stopped talking.
I'm so ashamed to be writing this, I wish I had managed to change the first time he asked me to, I didn't do it on purpose.