u/Bit_1506

Spoke up about why my best trans friend killed himself and basically no one gave af or believed me because trans people getting bullied by their teachers and parents doesnt fucking matter i guess. At one point i said he killed himself cuz his parents kept fucking up his opportunitjes to get top surgery and a cis person ASKED ME HOW I COULD KNOW his parents did it on purpose and just moved on.

im GOING to fking kill ymself too. Everyone is fucking heartless and nobody cares about us. I HATE IT. I CANNOT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE. HE DIED !!!! WHY DOES NOBODY CARE !!!!!! ????????

When she found out I was trans she stormed into my room with a knife and held it to her throat and screamed whilst crying "I'm gonna kill myself, this is what you've done to me you disgusting thing" and then spat and THREW UP in front of me, and then started hitting me (😁😀).

Her eyes genuinely became completely crazed looking, idk how to describe it but I genuinely felt like my life was in danger. She grabbed our wifi router and (still screaming and crying) ripped the cords and threw it at my head, took my phone and smashed it on the ground, took my books (I love reading) off my shelf and started tearing out pages of my favorite ones.

She then screamed at the top of her lungs and cried extremely hysterically in my room AT me while I laid in bed and tried to ignore her, for genuinely 5+ hours from 12pm until she had to pick up my sister from dance.

This would repeatedly happen (pretending to cut herself, throwing things, screaming for 4-6 hrs a day) to me every day for the next few years.

I often think back to the utter despair I felt lying in bed every day with no energy, just the desire to die, and she and her husband would BANG open my door and immediately start yelling "why don't you ever look inwards, no one likes you and you don't have friends cause you're the problem" , "anyone who likes you will leave you the moment they get to know you", "you're disgusting and stupid." I literally felt so scared and hopeless and helpless. I didn't feel angry or anything at one point, I just became so fucking sad.

I was 13 at the time and it didn't stop till I was 17 when I ran away with my best friend and moved in with him. I owe him a lot because he didn't ask me for rent money, he didn't require me to do anything.

Currently, this friend has killed himself because of transphobic parents messing with his transition, and out of anger I called my mom and told her it's the parents' faults that their trans kids kill themselves.

She replied "what are you talking about, I have no issues with trans people". I say what. She replies "well I was just worried you were in a phase and was trying to convince you otherwise. I never actually had a problem with it."

I asked if she even remembered how she behaved to me. That shit was a foundational memory for me that shaped my ENTIRE worldview. I had genuinely never before experienced the amount of pure, limitless, genuine and sincere HATE and DISGUST that was in the eyes of my dad and mom. I cannot convey what it's like to simoly be LOOKED at that way by them, it is clear that they purely, genuinely HATE me.

That shit sticks with you forever and you internalize it even as an adult who hates their parents and doesn't interact with them.

How can she not remember that? How can she deny that happened?

?? ?????????? ?