Knowing myself makes it harder
For a long time my ex mentioned feeling alone in the relationship, she mentioned the problems which I always thought as “fixable in their own time”. After starting therapy and going through all of what it’s bringing up to me, it kills me to realize how much she could have had from me, things I always wanted to actually have in a relationship.
Our sex life absolutely haunts me in retrospect, somehow the person with whom I felt more comfortable in life was the one that got the most vanilla side of me. I was afraid of letting go and being as vulnerable as I wish I could have been with her. I always wanted to have a fun sex life with her and we just never had a proper talk about it even, that heart to heart talk we needed, only some glimpses of needs that got out and stayed on hold. Really fucking sucks. I wish she was here, I wish I was there then and not now. Getting to know myself and getting in touch with myself just makes it so much harder, knowing I am all she really wanted, but I was afraid to letting myself be seen kills me.
What really hits me hard is knowing she is not even grieving the relationship because her grieving process started a long time ago during the relationship itself.