Built up resentment for my husband…can I move past it?
My husband (31 dx as a kid/medicated the last 5 years) and I (F 31) have been together for 9 years and have two toddlers. After years of expressing that I don’t feel like he does his share of household labor or holds any of the mental load, I am so resentful. Having kids has amplified all the issues. He does tasks around the house, but struggles to stick to them, other than the dishes and bathing the kids which we swap every day. He’s also responsible for washing the sheets weekly, walking the dog, and taking the trash to the dumpster, but sheets often go 2 weeks without being washed, the dog never gets walked, and trash bags pile up in the garage for weeks before going to the dumpster on our road. I’m so exhausted by expressing the same need over and over again. I feel like everything would fall apart if I stopped managing it all.
My husband is a good person. He’s kind, thoughtful, takes a genuine interest in me and my interests, he’s patient, has happily supported me through health issues, he wakes up in the night with our kids who don’t sleep through the night, he’s receptive to feedback, loving and caring, he treats me and our kids well. Obviously none of this negates the struggles related to his dx, but I want to illustrate that he’s a good person.
At this point, I am so resentful and angry about the dynamic we are in. I can’t trust that he can take on the mental load of anything without me reminding him or checking in multiple times, and often things still get forgotten. I feel like his parent and it’s caused me to lose all attraction to him. I have lost respect for him because I don’t view him as a function adult or equal partner, and now everything he does annoys me. I know viewing him this way is making the dynamic worse, but we’re so deep in it I don’t know how to change my mindset about him. I’m not innocent in this dynamic obviously. My resentment has caused me to take out a lot of frustration on him, and I am constantly short with him. Intimacy and attraction are gone and I lack patience with him lately. I’m snappy and short over small things. Most days I don’t enjoy being in this marriage.
He is receptive to feedback and me expressing my needs and frustrations, but it doesn’t seem to result in any lasting changes. I know he will never function at the same level I do, but I feel like his functioning should be higher than what it is, especially since he’s medicated. He’s successful at work, but it doesn’t translate to home life. He says he’s trying so hard every day, but I don’t see it. I see that he’s trying in small ways, but it never feels significant. I don’t know if I’m being harsh and unrealistic about what he’s capable of. Part of me thinks he’s capable of more and that because he’s been functioning this way for so long, he assumes that’s all he’s capable of. Being on medication should make things better, but I don’t feel like there’s a difference on his meds. He’s tried several different ones and doesn’t want to increase his dose because it makes his anxiety worse.
ADHD has changed our relationship and my feelings for him and I know we are both unhappy. We’re both in individual therapy and we have talked about couples therapy, but it’s not something we’ve started. I’ve asked about getting an ADHD coach, but he doesn’t seem interested.
What helped you change your feelings and get over the resentment? I know this all sounds so bad, but I don’t want to blow up my life with a good person if there’s hope or if I’m at fault here. I know he’s trying, but it feels like too little, too late.
Appreciate if you read all of that ❤️