My wife and I are seriously desperate: ADHD daughter
TL/DR: My step-daughter with ADHD has become a panic filled, screaming hermit. What do we do?
---
Second marriage for both my wife and I. We're in our late 40's. She has a 16 year old daughter (I never had kids) who I adore. And up until about 3 months ago, we were very close. She called me her Dad. We'd go vintage shopping, antiquing, book stores finds, etc. It's like she was actually my kid, since I love all those things naturally. :)
My wife and I started dating when she was 11. A year before, her father abandoned the family after violent abuse directed to my wife: constant screaming and physical attacks. As far as we know, our daughter wasn't directly harmed physically. Obviously she witnessed it. He literally snapped one day. Lost his mind. Got fired from his VERY good paying job because of his behavior. Ended up retreating to the upstairs of the home we live in now like a hermit. He left the country and would continue to contact my wife about his plans...like becoming a music ambassador for Germany. Spoiler alert. He doesn't speak German.
My daughter is on medication for ADHD. She's always, since I met her, been a lazy kid, like a lot of kids so nothing THAT unusual. Just a bit more than most. Typical teen stuff. "I've told you 3 times to make your bed. Come on kiddo. Let's get it done before dinner." She's hybrid-homeschooled. Was dealing with bullying at public so we pulled her out a few years ago, her request. 3 days a week at school, rest of the time at home. She has zero hobbies.
Her dad spent time in a psych ward, got on medication, stabilized and announced he was coming back to our state, reintroduced to their lives. Even though he was a monster to the woman I love with my soul, I just let things flow for the sake of my daughter. My wife obviously can't stand him, but did it for her as well. Things seemed normal. I could tell she really missed him, at the start. Now she won't talk or see him anymore.
The first thing we noticed that was odd was when I helped her start applying for jobs. I walked her through the applications, did mock interviews, trying to get her ready. She heard back from one place (a vintage clothing shop 5 minutes from our place...not exactly high-stress) She set up an interview for Saturday. I was so proud. That was Thursday. Friday night, she lost her mind. Was in her room screaming, throwing things, that she can't do it. She's scared. So we cancelled it. She had plans to go camping with friends. They all stayed at girl's house before leaving the next morning early and she called screaming she's scared. So at midnight, I go and pick her up. We've been talking about moving out of the house and to a place about 15 minutes away: New start, since my wife and her ex lived here. When my daughter heard, it caused an explosion of panic.
Now she's terrified of going to school, the very one she asked to go to. Every night. Every. Single. Night. there is screaming. My wife told her to vacuum her room and she started crying she can't go to school. Everything is about school. She won't even go to her grandmothers, who just bought a beautiful home with her new husband that has a pool. They live literally 10 minutes from us. Her friends are starting to fall away because they are living their lives, growing up, which isolates her even more.
Doctors say her meds are correct. Her blood work is normal. We hired two therapists to come to the house because she won't leave. We are going broke trying to pay for this. She won't shower, she wears the same clothes every day. If she had a toilet, microwave and fridge in her room, we wouldn't even know she lived here. My wife said the other day "Dear God, she's become (EX HUSBAND) at 16." The other night in between the tears and screaming she said to us, "Please don't get divorced."
My wife and I are very private about personal matters. I've only spoken to my parents and one friend about it (he has a child with severe autism). I don't know if someone can help. But I needed to vent. My previous relationship was abusive (she was arrested and is still doing time years later) and I feel like I'm back in Fight or Flight again. I'm not leaving. That's not an option. I'm staying for the fight for the family I love. Any advice would be really appreciated.