AITH for limiting contact with my mother because she refuses to stop smoking during visits with her grandson?
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First of all, English isn't my first language, so please be kind.
I (28F) and my husband (32M) are expecting our first child, and I'm currently 40 weeks pregnant.
I've always had a very strong stance against smoking and try to avoid it whenever possible. My father smoked heavily throughout my childhood, and although my mother was somewhat more considerate, I recently found out that she smoked during all three of her pregnancies, including cigarettes and marijuana.
I also have asthma and other health issues that may or may not be related.
I had a very difficult childhood. My father is an alcoholic, and nobody in the family has much contact with him anymore. My relationship with my mother has also always been complicated. There has been emotional and physical abuse in the past, and I've considered limiting contact before, but that's a much longer story.
Several years ago, my husband and I spoke to our parents about smoking and our future boundaries regarding children. We wanted everyone to have enough time to think about it before a baby was actually here.
My father is no longer part of our lives, and my father-in-law quit smoking. That means my mother is now the only person in our immediate family who still smokes.
Before she visited us during my pregnancy, I brought up the topic again. We live quite far apart, so visits usually last an entire weekend.
She quickly brushed it off and said she would figure something out. I think she assumed that I was mainly worried about the smell because I've had hyperemesis gravidarum throughout my pregnancy and have been extremely sensitive to smells.
During that first visit, she couldn't even go one day without smoking. During her next two visits, she didn't even try.
Whenever I attempted to bring up the topic, the conversation was immediately shut down.
Eventually, my husband and I wrote her a letter explaining our boundaries.
We made it very clear that this wasn't about the smell of cigarettes. It was about thirdhand smoke and the health risks for newborns.
We never asked her to quit smoking completely.
We simply asked her not to smoke during visits, to come freshly showered, to wear freshly washed clothes, and not to smoke on the drive to our house.
We also told her how much we appreciated her offer to stay with us for a week after the birth to help us once my husband returned to work. We made it very clear that we wanted her to be part of our son's life.
At the moment, she is in a rehabilitation program because of health issues, some of which are related to smoking.
The letter reached her during rehab, and after receiving it, she didn't contact me for almost two weeks while I was heavily pregnant. That was emotionally very difficult for me.
I later found out through my sister that she had interpreted the letter as a personal attack instead of seeing it as an attempt to protect our child.
Eventually, she sent me a message saying that she loved me and accepted the letter.
I was relieved. I put my own feelings aside because I genuinely wanted her to have a relationship with my son.
I asked her whether this meant she was still planning to visit after the birth.
That's when everything escalated.
She sent me a very harsh message saying that she didn't want to change herself for other people and that she would decide for herself whether and when she stopped smoking.
Again, we never asked her to quit.
We only asked her to avoid smoking during visits.
My husband called her to make sure we had understood her correctly and to explain our perspective one more time.
After that conversation, I was still willing to keep her involved through photos and updates until she felt able to respect our boundaries during in-person visits.
However, she then sent additional messages to my husband, saying that our boundaries were emotional blackmail and making several other hurtful comments.
For me, this was the moment I realized that she was choosing her addiction over having a relationship with both her daughter and her grandson.
At that point, I told her that we were limiting contact for now. I also told her that our door would remain open if she was ever willing to acknowledge that the way she handled the situation wasn't okay.
Part of me feels guilty because she is still my mother, and I'm not sure whether I'm overreacting.