u/BlackberryTime9308

Genuinely I(21M) don’t understand how people are able to just work towards things. I can’t for the life of me do the things I KNOW I need to do at some point, nor do I do the things I WANT to do. It’s like my brain just wants me to suffer as much as possible just for shits and giggles. I stg if I was a normal human being in regard to whatever tf is wrong with my brain, I would be unstoppable.

I already know someone’s gonna say something like “You’re 21, you have your whole life ahead of you to figure things out” But if I see that I’m gonna (not actually) bash my head into a wall. But this is what I get.

I can’t get myself to quit my job and work towards getting a better one in any way, whether it be less stressful or pay more (or both). I still don’t have my license. I can’t stop hating myself. I still am too scared to talk to my doctor about my mental health (literally every time I go I want to say something but I’m too chickenshit to do so). I can’t get myself to read any self help books. I can’t get myself to go see a therapist or psychiatrist or psychologist. I can’t get rid of my phone addiction. Hell, I can’t even get myself to talk about what’s going on with me to my own damn family. I can’t get myself to go out, except for my job, to make friends or memories. I can’t get myself to take advice I’ve previously received either.

I feel so pathetic when I’m in a conversation with my family, because they are all such great people. My parents work their asses off to still provide me and my little brother with free shelter and food. My older brother is gonna graduate from college next year and get a job, and he’s married already and lives in his own house. My little brother is a damn genius and is working on his computer science degree after already taking like 5 AP classes in HS.

It’s not like I’m stupid or anything, I got good grades in school, had I tried, I could’ve gotten a 4.0 gpa but of course I stopped trying like halfway through my sophomore year and life just kept getting worse after that. I don’t even know what’s wrong anymore, but I’m sick of being like this for 5 years now. How do I actually change when I’m too scared to even ask for help? -Or apparently can’t even try at all.

I feel like this all the time when it’s been busy at work, and I just don’t have the energy or time to be mad or have a meltdown. YIPPIE!🫩

I am blessed to have those around me in my family who are willing to help me pursue my passion or asking me questions about me/my life, but I’m literally just kinda blowing it off like it doesn’t matter or that I’ll start it soon, but that’s a complete and total lie, because I KNOW I won’t start it ever. I’m just jeopardizing my future at this point.

It’s obvious the people around me are worried about me with a few things, which is why I think I hide what I can from them like how I feel instead of just being honest.

I (21M) feel as if I am not in control of my own mind. I can’t stop being scared(?) of everything and running away from doing stuff. Not to mention I’m always worried I’m being judged for the things I do, even though I know it’s not true (hyper vigilance, I guess?).

I have tried asking for advice before but I don’t actually use any of it because of course that would be too simple for my dipshit ADHD brain to follow and make my life better. However, here’s what I did try back when I hadn’t yet been beaten into submission by life

-Breaking tasks down into smaller ones doesn’t help
-I don’t have anyone that can be a body double
-Meditating doesn’t help (it calms me but doesn’t do fuckall else)
-Journaling doesn’t help
-Changing my mindset doesn’t help
-Quitting pot didn’t help (still not using it though)
-Celebrating tiny wins doesn’t help
-Setting a timer to start or only do a specific thing for that amount of time doesn’t help
-I can’t get myself to read self help books
-I can’t get myself to go to or have someone bring me to a therapist

I don’t even do shit anymore. For example: I still don’t workout, I still don’t work towards my license, I still haven’t gotten rid of my phone addiction,I still don’t live by myself/in my own place, I still don’t look for another job, I still don’t go out for any activities for myself or with others to enjoy, I still don’t fix my negativity and horrible self talk, I still don’t meditate.

I’ve been working the same shitty fast food job I got right after graduating high school with no career. I think the last time I felt normal was the beginning of high school. After that, everyday was always the same, until I got a job, started college, and dropped out of college. After that, it all returned to how everyday felt.

I don’t have that “spark” that a lot of people have with life. I honestly don’t even know why I keep pushing on through life when it’s been this miserable for 90+% of the days I’ve experienced in the past 5 years or how the everliving hell I’ve lasted this long. I’m so sick of living like this but I never change. Why am I like this? Why am I incapable of changing even when I truly, truly want to so badly? Why did I have to turn into this?

TLDR: I can’t get my shit together and would like to know how or if I actually can.

I (21M) cannot even force myself to get the shit I need to get done done. And yes, I mean force because god knows I cannot get anything done unless I want to, and even then, sometimes I _still_ don’t.

I feel as if I am not in control of my own mind.

I have tried asking for advice before but I don’t actually use any of it because of course that would be too simple for my dipshit brain to follow and make my life better.

I still don’t workout, I still don’t work towards my license, I still haven’t gotten rid of my phone addiction,I still don’t live by myself/in my own place, I still don’t look for another job, I still don’t go out for any activities for myself or with others to enjoy, I still don’t fix my negativity and horrible self talk, I still don’t meditate.

Before anyone says it, I have adhd, I tried taking some medication my doctor prescribed to me with no effect, nor did I switch to a new medication to even have a chance of seeing if it would work, I had a chance to, but never filled it after MONTHS of having a written note or whatever that they gave me.

I haven’t seen a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist yet even though I can afford it. I don’t really want anyone I know having to help me with that and can’t drive myself since I _still_ don’t have my goddamn license yet.

-Breaking tasks down into smaller ones doesn’t help
-I don’t have anyone that can be a body double
-Meditating doesn’t help (it calms me but doesn’t do fuckall else)
-Journaling doesn’t help
-Changing my mindset doesn’t help
-Quitting pot didn’t help (still not using it though)
-Celebrating tiny wins doesn’t help
-Setting a timer to start or only do a specific thing for that amount of time doesn’t help

TLDR: I can’t get my shit together and would like to know how or if I actually can.