I’m tired of being hopeful.
I’m so sick of continuously trying to improve myself and my life, only for it all to come crashing down in the end. Trying and failing hurts so much more than not trying at all. I want to just give up on everything, but I can’t stop hoping that it can get better.
I’ve been hopeless before, but only for short periods of time. Being hopeless is easy. It’s stable and predictable. Hopelessness gives you a sort of acceptance along with it.
I’m tired of thinking that things might get better. I don’t even really know if I want it to get better. I don’t even know what that would look like. “Getting better” seems to imply returning to a state you were at previously, but I can’t remember a time where I didn’t feel as I do now.
I’m not suicidal right now. I can still enjoy things. I just wish I could stop hurting myself by chasing a better life that won’t ever come.