Please convince me not to reach out
TLDR ; I feel the need to tell him how hurt I am because I never did. I feel the need to know how he feels and if I matter(ed) to him or not at all. I am weak today and I can't seem to find any reason not to try to communicate with him. Can you help me remember the reasons why I shouldn't reach out, please ?
Hi !
It's been almost two months since he discarded me, and a month and a half of no contact.
Last week, I was finally seeing progress in my healing journey. For 6 consecutive days, I stopped having constant flashbacks of all the amazing moments where I would live the emotions again and it was hurting so much. For 6 days the beautiful loving relationship felt like a distant dizzy dream I couldn't fully access. For 6 days I was finally finding some bits of myself back, I was able to sleep, eat, practice hobbies and even laugh with friends sometimes. I didn't want to reach out and was accepting the fact our relationship was an illusion and the "him" I love was fake. I was respecting myself because I know I deserve better than that. I was still sad, of course, but I was finally seeing forward.
But this week I fell backwards so much. I feel depressive, sad, the flashbacks came back with a vengeance, the constant loop of rumination too. I can't sleep. I cry all the time. I will have my period soon so maybe that's why I'm so emotional. I didn't want to regress like that. It felt good to finally start to breathe a little last week.
But now I am obsessed with the idea of reaching out. I never told him how hurt I am. I never let him know how cruel it was for him to say and plan all those things with me, making all those promises, just to break up with me abruptly after. I don't know how he feels either. I feel the need to know if he is sad too. I feel the need to know if I matter(ed) to him or not at all. I ruminate on how maybe he thinks I don't care because I didn't beg for him to stay or because I didn't tell him how hurt I am.
All my other relationships before, when we broke up, we communicated about everything we both felt. We saw each other to talk it through. With him, I couldn't even say goodbye face to face.
So please, convince me to not reach out, because today I feel very weak and I can't seem to find any reasons not to. Maybe he is activated now and would answer warmly ? Maybe this time he would be open to communicate or even see each other to talk it through ?
Can you help me remember the reasons I shouldn't reach out, please ?