u/BlearMusic

So, lately, I (19F) have been feeling like I'm going crazy. Like everything is louder, I keep sitting with my hands covering my ears sobbing at least 3-4 times a week because it's overwhelming me so bad to the point where I can't think and it makes me wanna shoot myself in the head. I also don't think my meds are right bc I also just wanna sit here and think about not being here whilst also thinking about how everything overwhelms me and how I can't ever do anything right or get something done bc everything around me feels wrong or odd or loud. Like when I mean loud and I hear everything, I mean it. I hear the ringing my phone makes, I hear it from my TV, my lamp, the chargers even the wall.

I've always had sensitive hearing since I was a kid. I used to cry at automatic toilets and when my older brother, who had autism, had meltdowns and would scream and yell I would hide under my parents bed and sob holding my ears because everything was so loud to me. As I've gotten older, it's been the same way, but recently, it's been getting a lot louder, and I just can't handle it anymore.

I have told my mom about it on multiple occasions, and my tells me to "turn things off," but I still hear them. The last time I was sobbing on the couch saying how I felt crazy and she texted my primary doctor, she works with her, and my doctor told my mom to set me up with a therapist and a psychiatrist since she wants me tested for autism, ADHD, OCD, and some other stuff but my mom is the one with the list of doctors under our insurance and she tells me how she doesn't know who to choose and will let me choose but never has me do it because it "overwhelms" her and then she goes back on tik tok and won't talk to me.

I feel like I'm at my end with this. I feel horrible because my boyfriend, we VERY recently just became official but have been talking for a few months, has to deal with me constantly being overwhelmed and exhausted and depressed because I haven't seen a doctor and I don't know what to do to cope.

I don't have headphones or earbuds, I broke them last semester before I came home this semester for a break from college. I also currently work at a daycare, so that doesn't help much, but I love my job.

Tbh, idk why I even made this post, but I want to figure out some way to get help. Every time I ask my mother to see the list of therapists, she gets upset and says she's busy and we can do it later. I also hardly sleep at night because of this too. I'm just at my end with it, and I want it to just go away.