u/Bled__

To give some basic context, I am M|41. I've dealt with depression for basically my entire life. I was diagnosed initially with Asperger's Syndrome late in life, just before it was moved into the ASD spectrum. This explained a lot of why I was so socially awkward and quiet growing up, yet always accelerated in things like Math in ways average kids don't. When my depression first set in, I noticed that my interest in scholastic / higher learning immediately fell apart. It's not that I wasn't interested in learning, it's that I rejected the forced structure of it. I wound up going to High School for a while, missing a lot of days, dropping out eventually during 11th grade. I would waste all of my potential, early in life having a daughter with a woman who turned out to be a psychopath. When that psychopath kidnapped my daughter, I basically just figured it was what I deserve in life. I would internalize that pain, and punish myself for it. Multiple failed attempts at my own life later, and I'm still here. Every attempt at "getting better" that I've made has failed. Even when trying to spread love and positivity, you get people who just ignore it, shit on it, whatever. I've reached a critical mass where I am just... fucking tired... I'm tired of hollow words. I'm tired of shallow and fake people. I'm tired of wishing life gets better. So, I decided 5/31/27 will be what I'm calling my "Happy Death Day". A day where I choose to stop, and just walk away from existing. I never asked to be here, and I'm done asking (or pretending) to stay. Gave myself a year to kinda enjoy some stuff. Feels cathartic honestly.