Years of symptoms, SSRI, major shift after
Hi everyone. I’ve been following this subreddit for a few months, but only recently have I started reading more deeply through many posts, Marc the half fool’s comments (thank you for what you do), and a large part of the wiki.
I’m using a throwaway account. I’ve always been someone who tends to be rational, but over the past few years a spiritual side has grown inside me, though without any precise form.
Anyway, over the past 5+ years I started having absurd physical symptoms. Dozens of medical appointments and tests, money spent, and no one knew what was wrong with me. To this day, no one knows.
Something even stranger: I went to two different doctors because I felt I “had a problem with my spine.” I knew nothing about kundalini at the time. I never had the sensation of a serpent being released, but intuitively I went for those appointments, and I don’t even know why. Looking back, it strikes me.
Every breath, every step, every minute, whether awake or asleep, was suffering. My body was betraying me, I couldn’t breathe, I had physical panic 24/7, anger, crying. At certain moments I had thoughts that scared me, not only the classic “unaliving” kind, but also thoughts almost about harming others. Even though I had always been a “gentle” person in life, with others, or so I believed.
Last year, I had the intuition to contact a psychiatrist, who prescribed me an SSRI, and since then I’ve been doing much better, although physically I still have some residual symptoms.
However, what truly “shocked” me, in a positive way, is that I changed completely on a mental level. It’s as if, over these months, I felt a barrier break. I feel at peace with others, I feel understanding toward people, even those I used to judge. I have questioned many things about myself. So many. Looking back, even though I considered myself an altruistic person… saying that now gives me a bad feeling. I wasn’t really that person. I wasn’t truly so spotless. I wasn’t a victim, and I often caused harm, both to myself and to others, even without meaning to.
The cherry on top: I’m a therapist, although a new one. My sessions now truly help. During sessions, I say things that I don’t even know where they come from. People feel better, there is real progress in their lives. I “feel” them.
I try to abstain from what I consider wrong. I’m not able to do everything yet, but I’m making progress.
I’m picking up old passions again, I’m building things, sometimes I leave them behind, sometimes I continue them. But everything grows. I create. People treat me in an extremely different way, they open up, I feel that they feel better after we’ve talked, and I feel better too. I feel goodwill toward them.
I’ve read the two+ rules. Regarding the first one, I read that “reading” other people’s minds without intentionality means violating them. Here it’s difficult for me to understand where the boundary is, but I’m trying. I can’t read minds, but it’s quite easy for me to intuit a lot of what is going through someone’s head. I like doing it, but now I’m understanding, or I think I’ve understood, that it isn’t right if it doesn’t serve a purpose.
I’m trying to be careful not to feel “special.” I don’t want to fixate on the possibility that I have had, or could have, a kundalini awakening. I don’t even know whether I believe in it. Part of me does feel in tune with this framework of beliefs, yes. But I admit that I’m afraid I’m believing in it because I’ve always looked for a “beyond” meaning in life.
And that’s it. I’ve wanted to share this for a while. Thank you for reading. Any comments and suggestions are very welcome, as are criticism and anything else. Thank you again for being here and doing what you do.