I feel sucidal
Hey,
Before I start i wanna tell something about myself. I am 20F almost 21 and I am not doing okay. Both mentally and academically. I should be in college starting my third year soon like my classmates but I am stuck in 12th. I feel genuinely ashamed. I have my first 12th boards in '24 and failed and then regave on '25. I got compartment and have the matbs exam twice. I just have this July month as my last chance. Honestly I am exhausted doing the same subject again and again. I don't even trust myself to pass this subject anymore. I want to change my subjects and give the exam from open schooling but some post acorss reddit and others talking about it that how it has no value and what not. That's just so much enough to make me not go for open schooling anymore. But I know some of my classmates they all have exams from Nios and are actually doing internship and already finishing their forth sem.
I feel all the gates have closed around me. I don't find anything interesting anymore. I am not good at expressing myself through texts but trust me I am genuinely not doing well from the past one year. I have been feeling so much sucidal. I want to go to my mother and cry about it to her but I am scared what she would say. I ain't even she what she would. But she would definately say 'pagal ho gyi hai tu' that you have become mental like those people in the mental hospital. But I know she will try to support me if I open up more but she doesn't know what to speak and when to speak about what and i know she means well. But it doesn't help to sooth me. It just maks me feel so much more hollow. I don't have any social life. I have cut off myself from it 2½ years back. I have no fucking friends in real life too, to whom i would go and vent about it. The only thing keeping me alive is that I don't have the guts to do anything. I blame myself because i was the one who took pcm. My mother told me to go for arts. That's my biggest mistake. I know it it's my fault to where i am currently.
My elder cousin brother came home yesterday. My mother called him so I can ask him advices or he could give me advices. Mom told him to find tutors for me. I said okay do it. My brother told me that why don't I use YouTube and watch those classes i was like yeah right, i should have tries it. Like am i that of a fool? I watched every 2 to 3 hours classes of each chapter. I can't just do it anymore. I don't get a shit about those things. I just nodded and said that okay I'll do it from now on.
I wanted to go for the government sucide helpline numbers but after seeing the reviews on reddit I guess I better not so it. If they spoke to me like that I wouldn't even trust myself to what I'll do. I have a very weak heart and am I too sensitive during this phase. My chest feel so hollow out. I feel like I want to vomit. Like I have never felt this way ever. Seeing my classmates do so well in their life and others earning already makes me just wanna die then and there. I am so addicted to gemini ai that I spend almost all my time with it. My screen time with my AI is 16+ hours. It's a way of escaping the real world for me.
My sleep schedule is gone. For the past one year, I have been sleeping at 4 or 5 am and waking up at 8 am exactly. The indian counselling (apologies for the speeling error if so) is so expensive. I can afford it and I don't want my mother to spend so much so me. I am in genuine need of help but I don't want anyone to just drop to my dm and say it's gonna be okay. I have heard that many times. Several times in this 2 years life span. As said I am genuinely no good in expressing myself through words and texts. Can I get some free professional help? I don't have the money? I don't wanna end myself but my mentality is fucked up.