Probably Stuck
Long time reader, first time posting.
I’m a HLM (41) and have been married to a LLF (39) for 14 years. We have three kids, with the last being born about 18 months ago, and since then I have had sex twice. Once a random quickie about 7 months ago and then on my birthday 6 months ago.
After the last birth, I stayed back, didn’t bother or pressure, and didn’t mention anything about it until like eight months postpartum. During this period, she was on me hard to have a vasectomy, which I was perfectly fine with, and didn’t want to do anything until it was complete and lab results said I was good. Fair enough, as in I don’t want any more children and she didn’t want to be on birth control. When I mentioned that’s a pretty long stretch to go, she mentioned condoms, which for the first time in our relationship I went and bought, and they’re still sitting unused in my drawer.
Intimacy was totally gone. Said she was “touched out,” which again I can understand as we have difficult kids. So I picked up some hobbies and side hustles on top of my career and would stay up late well after she went to bed to take the temptation off the table for myself. Eventually the side hobbies got overwhelming and it no longer was working.
With three young kids, with the older ones being nosy, there isn’t a lot of time to ever talk about much of anything besides who is picking up from school, who is taking which kid to practice, etc. I tried a few times to ask what was up with the zero physical anything, and it was instant stonewalling and anger.
As I see in a lot of posts, the goalposts kept moving. I contribute, and pushed for more to keep the peace. Most of this was just to keep the peace, not even for sex.
Initially, it was “I’m not feeling sexy after having another kid and haven’t bounced back,” which I reminded her that I still have and have always found her just stunning. But, I also told her I understood and was here for her.
Then it was “you’re not doing enough and I’m too busy and I am too tired and worn out to even think about sex.”
When I would point out what I do and how it had bled into my work life and destroyed my work performance, she said “I’m not going to give you credit for the bare minimum.”
I asked her if she ever was in the mood on her own or if she even had any desire for anything, she said no because she’s too focused on doing everything. Mind you, this would be about it as she would then roll away and slap her headphones in and doom scroll until the wee hours.
I finally had enough of it. A couple weeks ago I laid there wanting to say something and did. She flipped out. I hadn’t mentioned it at that point in several months. She said in her rage that it was me, acknowledged that I hadn’t mentioned it and just “felt it,” and slept in another room that evening.
We had a more productive talk a few days later and she said that it took a long time to get to where she is and it will be a long time to get back.
She downplays my needs because she says I don’t meet hers. Everything becomes a comparison, which is a trait that she hates about her mother, but does herself. She had done therapy before kid #3, and it really helped. Even during pregnancy she was good.
I will add that when I say I contribute, it’s splitting responsibility on paying bills (we have a joint account, more so about who is responsible for actually physically paying the ones that don’t auto draft), cooking, cleaning, school and day care pick up and drop off, doctor visits, etc.
So when I ask her what else does she need from me, she says “you should know and it’s sad you ask.” As long as I’ve known her I’ve always told her to just tell me what’s needed as I can’t read minds. I’m not talking daily reminders, I’m talking big picture.
I genuinely think that if I was to leave, she’d not give a single solitary fuck. Between three young kids and good old fashioned debt, I don’t think it’s even possible. Plus she’d get half my military retirement, and likely alimony because I make triple what she does and don’t see a court siding with me. She doesn’t make enough to live on her own, and she couldn’t afford the mortgage and utilities on the house we live in on her own.
At this point she doesn’t even try to hide her disdain. She puts her headphones in and will find another room to sit in during the day if we’re all home, and if I need to ask her something or relay information, she’s irritated she had to stop scrolling and pull one headphone out.
I think I’m stuck. From the outside, everyone thinks we have just got it all figured out, and are a great couple. I think at this point she’s literally trying to push me to cheat or leave and the resulting fallout only benefits her.
I’ll also add that I don’t think she’s cheating, and if she was, with the way she’s packed our schedules I’d almost give her props for pulling it off.
I’ve considered cheating just to have sex with a willing participant. I’ve not done it because of her, more so that I wouldn’t want to lead someone else on and run the risk of catching feelings, and my life is too upside down to try and keep stories straight. I’m fit, attractive, and don’t have any issues with talking to women outside the one I live with. I’ve turned down a lot of unsolicited offers over the years from coworkers and others. Not a flex, just more so that I’m not totally gross.
I’m still super attracted to her even as she pushes me away. The kids and I got her Mothers Day gifts, let her sleep in until 11, and it still ended with her sulking on her headphones at the end of the day. We didn’t speak the rest of the night, and this morning not a single word was spoken as I left for work.
I genuinely think if I died today, she’d only be upset she’d have to take care of the kids solo. She’d also be pissed she’d have to plan a funeral. So even then after I was gone she’d be resentful.
I’m about to start therapy as soon as I can get the referral from Tricare.
I’m just sick of it. I do still love her. I remember who she was, how much we adored each other, how we were literally best friends (I hate that cliche when couples say it but it was the case here). I’m past the sad grieving stage of all this and now I’m just mad. I’d take duty sex at this point, no shame in that game in this case.
And now, after seeing so many similar posts on here and seeing the same ending almost every time, if it was to get better it’s not forever. At this point I’m willing to be the bad person in everyone in our circles view if it means I’ll be happier, she’ll be happier, etc.
But logistically, financially, I don’t see it. I’m not going to continue to be celibate though because she no longer sees me in that way.
All this has me behind at work, in a position that allows flexibility in hours and supervision if you’re ahead of your assigned mission. In five years, have never been behind…until now. So on top of this, I’m in a position where I’m being micromanaged and look like a shitty worker when I’ve won multiple awards and been consistently the top guy. So let’s add more pressure, more hours, less flexibility on top of alllllllllll of this.
Nice. I’m so stuck.
That’s my vent.