A Dying Apathetic Father, a Tempered Mother, an Estranged Son
I’m 39. My wife and I will be trying for a baby soon. I’ve never felt more ready to become a father, and it fills my heart with warmth thinking of all the memories I want to create with my future children. Naturally, my thoughts have turned to my own upbringing. I never gave much thought to my childhood until recently. Now, it’s all I can think about.
I remember…
It was the middle of the night. I was 7 or 8 years old, deep asleep. My mother bursted into my room, flipping on the lights, and screaming. She pounced on me, grabbed me by the head, and pulled me from my bed. She dragged me across the room by my hair. I remember the agony, grabbing her wrists, trying to keep her from ripping it out.
When she finally let go, a barrage of hits rained down on my head. I cowered into a ball, crying between breaths. The more I cried, the worse it got. After she was done with me, she smashed picture frames and toys. I remember being terrified while crouched in broken glass.
My father was usually indifferent to my mother’s tantrums and rarely intervened. He broke my nose once when I was 6 years old. I remember passing large clots out of my mouth and struggling to breathe for hours. He was afraid to take me to the hospital.
Later in life, my parents found God. They carry remorse for what they did. I became estranged from them, until recently, when I learned my father was dying. When we saw each other again for the first time in decades, he started crying and shaking. He told me he was sorry and misses his boy. My father a broken old man, and his son all grown.
Did I go too far? Was I selfish? Did I take away time that could have been used to rebuild a father son bond? At the end of the day, when I looked at him, I felt completely indifferent. I provide any financial support he requires, but I still do not speak to either of them. When he dies, my mother will be alone. My thoughts dwell on whether I should forgive them, let them see their future grandchildren, be the better part of humanity and turn cruelty into grace?