Is it bad I need him to survive?
ik it’s just feelings and it’s not inherently real but it feels so real. i get like this sometimes and i feel so stupid for it but i genuinely feel i need him to breathe. i’d do anything for him to give me affection or tell me he loves me i need him to love me because i love him so much and if he doesn’t want me or leaves me idk what id do it just makes my heart drop and i feel like i wanna disappear what’s wrong with me? i feel like hes getting sick of me by now i have a lot of mood swings and its like i become a different person i can be high and happy and singing to myself and energetic or i can be normal tired me or i can be logical and numb/angry depending thats able to cut everyone off or i can just shrink into this person i can obey because i need love i need you to love me. i need him to love me but i feel like hes getting tired of me hes been so nice and caring and trying to be there for me but i just keep fucking it up. i even get into this weird zone sometimes where i feel like im in a strangers body and he tried to help with these wave and tide analogies of my consciousness or something flowing back but i go mental cause i can literally imagine it and feel it physically and i don’t like it touching me and i don’t like it in me and i feel it in me and i just need it out so i usually end up cutting myself and he hates that and it’s happened twice already i don’t normally give into the intense thoughts of cutting but im just slipping im slowly getting worse and im so scared he’ll give up on me which he really should cause if he doesn’t i’m just gonna keep hurting him i hate that im like this but no matter how hard i try something always slips out i hate being here and i hate being like this how do i fix it? how can i be normal.