u/Both-Abbreviations26

I’m tired of waking up with the nervous system/adrenaline of someone going into war.

BUT I got up and brushed my teeth and my face.
I even took a walk!!
I feel more mentally clear.
Still not 100% but I know it’s a process.

I’m day 3 clean off of a heavy bender on my adhd meds.
I don’t plan on going back but this feels pretty bad.
I’m usually pretty good at describing my emotions and I can’t even put into words how it feels.
I slept for two straight days, this morning I have to do stuff like work etc and I wanna keep sleeping.
Also my anxiety has been pretty bad my phobias have come back full swing.
I’ll wake up with adrenaline etc.
I just feel flat I guess.

I’m writing this to encourage myself for the hard days ahead. Maybe I’ll relapse, but I think writing out my reason for quitting will help me stick to things.

Maybe some of you can relate and this will help you too.

1. I will be my old self again. The silly, neurodivergent person that finds joy in the small things. I will be able to actually laugh again. I won’t be a masked zombie with no feelings.

2. My partner will get all the cuddles and attention he deserves instead of me being locked into a screen for hours, not wanting to be interrupted for anything. We won’t feel distant from each other. He won’t be sad and missing the old me. (He has mentioned how my abuse affects him) I want to be present and a good partner for him. He deserves that.

3. Sleep. Glorious sleep. I will be able to give my body the rest it needs. Sleep feels so wonderful after you’ve gotten average 3 hours a night for days. My body won’t be sore anymore from lack of sleep.

4. My routine and schedule/how I treat others/my work performance won’t be based around if I have taken a pill or not.

5. To feel less alone and isolated, even with people. To be able to actually connect with humans and enjoy human interaction instead of being locked in my room all day only wanting to fixate on my task.

6. Strangely enough, to improve motivation to do simple tasks or even get out of bed. The abuse causes extreme executive dysfunction for me, to the point where I don’t even feel like getting out of bed to pee when I need to, or even leaving my house to go get something I need.

I’ve been struggling for so long with this cycle of abuse and withdrawal and I’m so exhausted. I’ve tried so many times to break it but I always end up relapsing.
I’m sitting here looking at my last pill, this dread in my stomach, knowing the next two weeks are going to be hell on earth.
But it’s the loneliness and isolation that gets me the most.
I just feel so alone. I feel isolated from my loved ones. I feel like nobody else on this earth understands the emotional agony that addiction gives me. The guilt, the shame, the exhaustion, the self hatred.
I don’t need advice, I need to know I’m not alone, that I’m not the only one that doesn’t even recognize themselves anymore, that’s just exhausted of being trapped in a cycle they cannot seem to break.
That’s tired of hating themselves so deeply and feeling like the worst person on earth, like a total wretched failure.
Please be kind, I am writing this with tears down my face.