u/Both_Analysis_981

I'm sorry the title is a little crude.

For real though, I generally have a pretty high drive and I still have my "special time" alone, but I dont really get much out of it other than just the compulsion to do it and boredom- er its just stimuli. My fiance is visiting in the next 24hrs so I'm hoping something awakens, all just feels so bleeeh and I know it also has to do with my body imagine and my own loathsome. Uuuhg.

I keep seeking out and lurking in "toxic motivation" pages, I used to repeatedly join and leave proana discord groups, theyre all mostly inactive, but I still just have this impulse to look sometimes. Just makes me feel like a child struggling and looking for somewhere to fit in- which i suppose I am, but I'm old enough to know better and to do better. It consistently put me back in a box that I have out grown, but long to fit into still. It's all so embarrassing.

TW/ Numbers

I'm about 5'4 and >!114!< and I'm comfortable with that at the best of times, when I get in a bad headspace I can usually just remind myself that I can not see myself how I am. It just gets bad when I see other women walking around with my height and (assumably) my weight or more and they're still *slimmer* than myself and I know I shouldn't think that way. I also know it's in part knowing I don't fall in conventional standards of beauty as other women do so I try to remember that as well and not let the envy take over.

I havent restricted in a while, but I'm worried with the warmer months coming that I'm going to start slipping once again.

I cant see myself for me, thats okay, just have to do my own thing and not compare myself. Wishing everyone well🩷

Recently started eating regularly again- er too much for my liking, but I'm eating none the less.

Ive been eating things I enjoy, and I get it, I like some weird food. Call me a savory girl. So I completely understand that my tastes aren't for everyone.

What i have a problem with and what I tend to internalize to the core of my eating disorder is picky eaters feeling the need to look at your food and go "ewwwww I could never eat something like that" or ykno, things along those lines, making faces.

Like, oh, im actually not hungry anymore, you right.

Just makes me feel whiny because its no ones responsibility to tip toe around my triggers, but I think it also lies with just a general annoyance I have qith picky eaters feeling the need to unprompted insert their pure distate for what someone else is eating.

God forbid you call them out for eating like three different things because then you're the problem.

Sigh lol